Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.

THANKFUL

I have so many obvious blessings...it's ridiculous. For starters...I have an amazingly supportive husband, 4 brilliant and stunning daughters, many precious friends, both of my parents and my in-laws are healthy, active and invested in our lives...I have a lovely home, newer cars as well as a little bit of spending money...I truly do not lack one creature comfort. Yet, Rather that catalogue all of the more obvious things I am and should be thankful for...(there are many)...I want to share a few things that I am grateful for that I have found and identified more by accident, recovered under the layers of cynicism, despair, anger and doubt that I have wallowed in for nearly 2 years.

The last couple of years of my life have been a challenge for me emotionally and spiritually. My life has not followed the course I charted a few decades ago, certainly not an ideal situation for a type A control freak like me. If I were to judge my life by my previous christian-y standards...I would label where I now find myself as an epic failure. I had some pretty lofty ideas and expectations conceived and nursed for years in my 'fully-devoted' evangelical days that have completely crashed and burned outside the institutional Church. As painful as this season of loss has been, it needed to happen. Shedding some superficial fluff and 'me' centric idealism has helped me gain some much needed perspective on my life in relationship to the Kingdom of God. Before my slippery slope experience, I was only marginally aware...I think because my shiny sparkly faith, gianormous 'head' and personal ambition were in the way of 'having eyes to see'. I can say in this moment with honest conviction that I am thankful for the current shift in my life and the season of great pain that has come with it. As a result, my spiritual vision has improved, bringing Jesus and His Kingdom into greater focus. I'm learning to see again...and this is good.

In my previous spiritual life, I carefully constructed an environment for myself that made it impossible for me to be open to the ideas and 'otherness' of people not exactly like me. I approached every relationship and experience through a super sensitive evangelical filter, allowing me to dismiss the spiritual, intellectual and philosophical ideas of others, making me feel quite confident and powerful. Sometimes I'd overwhelm a threatening person with a clever apologetic argument and other times when feeling more provoked, I'd level a hostile attack, perhaps on their character. I rarely, if ever extended the courtesy of honestly listening to those who were alarmingly different from me...determining ahead of time that "there was no value in doing so."

Closing the door on my involvement in more traditional models of Christianity, specifically conservative evangelicalism, has allowed me the freedom to relax a little bit (I have a long way to go here) and intentionally expose myself to the ideas and philosophies of people very different from me. It's only just recently that I am able to truly regard people...to accept them and even love them...for who they are without feeling pressure to try to change or convert them. I am more able to honestly and openly listen to them like they matter...and even more, listen as if I had something I could possibly learn from them or their lives. Today, I am thankful that the painful reshaping season of my life is promoting a greater freedom and willingness for me have ears to hear.

The devastation and disappointment of watching years of purpose driven, name it claim it Christian belief-ism vaporize before my eyes, while at the same time grieving the loss of one of my dearest friends (who died of a malignant brain tumor several weeks after I turned '40')...pretty much crushed my spirit and most of my faith in anything. Up until then...I was just flirting with questions and doubts out on the slippery slope and the absolute terror it represented to me. Not long after Kelly died, my husband Jim and I were "asked to find another church home" by our pastor because we were rocking the boat and not "all-in" enough. Right then, what little was left of my faith and joy...drained out of me...and I began my dizzying descent on the slippery slope, catatonic...yet securely in the proverbial 'hand basket to hell'.

My intense feelings of fear, doubt and anger embarrassed and horrified me. I had little experience dealing with these ugly raw emotions especially in connection to my faith. I never needed to. Prior to the train wreck of my faith...I kept it carefully polished and very shiny. For me, there never seemed to be an appropriate time to feel anything other than self control, poise and blessed assurance. Fortunately...providentially? Jim and I stumbled upon an Emergence Christianity Cohort faith community just about the time I was hitting rock-bottom. This small community of self imposed exiles were living out their faith together in the trenches of a messy spirituality. They endured my pain and confusion and comforted me. They listened to my questions, first validating and then encouraging me and through their friendships and personal stories, they gave me something I thought I had lost forever...HOPE.

I heard a podcast recently by Rob Bell in which remarked that "unless we have experienced great pain or grief, we'll never have the capacity to experience great joy." This statement gives me incredible hope as I emerge from the darker side of my spiritual journey. I want to believe I've walked through the hardest part already. (I hope) I feel much less sorrow and rage now than I did two years ago. I see light looming on the horizon...I anticipate a coming season of great joy...and I am thankful for that.

TENSION

Initially when I began thinking of my own journey and spiritual practice, it was easy to recall the things I was eager to be leaving behind within the traditional model of 'church'...Things like the routine, the single contributor driven monologue, the 'stained-glass-ceiling, name-brand banner waving, using 85% of the collective tithe to support infrastructure often with shocking exorbitance and being expected to invest practically all of my energy and personal resources into serving 'inside the church' while supporting the vision and slick marketing mantras of the leadership.

Similarly, it was like a breath of fresh air to contemplate all of the new and liberating forms of praxis available to explore and live out, simply as a result of venturing onto a path less traveled. A few of those being: honest dependency on the 'priesthood' of believers, consistent missional-focused living, intimacy in community, open and inclusive dialogue, not only welcoming doubt but 'embracing the questions' (that's for you Sarah G!) What was once believed to be 'wrong' and off limits can be reconsidered, explored and often claimed and kept...without needing to hide it; what was before a 'non-negotiable certainty', can be scrutinized, examined and purged (if necessary) sometimes with a shudder and an AMEN...without the fear of being shunned or labeled divisive or dangerous.

It sounds so easy when I hear myself say all of that or when I read a few tidy condensed paragraphs I've written summarizing the experience, as if it happens instantaneously. It doesn't. It's a process...a tedious process of living in constant 'tension' of one kind or another...which is a complete ass-kicker for person like me to come to terms with. My dear friend Jamie says I am a stereotypical product of modernism and dualistic thinking...tight-fistedly hanging on to a black or white...good or bad...right or wrong view of the world and others. I struggle with the need to be right...to be correct...wanting to claim emphatically that my way, my answers and my practice are 'the purest of ways' . This need to judge and categorize is part of my spiritual past and my biggest character flaw. It continues to effect how I see, hear and respond to anyone who remains invested in any system, ideology or way of practicing faith (or politics) that I have determined at best to be lacking and at worst completely depraved.

At one time, Christians outside the conservative norm freaked me out...I avoided them, argued with them and ultimately dismissed them, sometimes delicately and other times...not so much. Now I find myself on the opposite side of the fence, put-off...and irritated when confronted with anything from my former spiritual camp. For example, I practically roll my eyes when I'm invited to attend a women's function with 'purpose driven', 'captivating' or 'princess' anywhere in the event description. I panic and and make excuses when I'm asked to attend conferences or church services featuring key-note speakers whose messages I now find nauseating. And...when any conversation I'm engaged contains..." I was watching the 700CLUB or Joel Osteen today"...I seriously start looking for the door. Why is this? Why do I feel no matter what side of the fence I'm on...I'm on the important side...the side that understands and gets-it...or conversly, the side that deserves to be treated with mercy and understanding?

The tension I experienced when I first chose to leave the institutional church was brand new for me...I never expected my character and spirituality to be picked apart as a result of my changing convictions and ideas and from there, subjected to all varieties of judgement and condemnation by people who I considered to be my church family. Enduring that painful season in the early days of my metamorphosis...brought to mind several people I had treated with the same ugly behaviour...today I cynically refer to this 'karma-come-back' as " The Spiritual Shit Sandwich". This spiritual tension has always been palpable in my life...and, I have historically responded poorly to it.

Recently my friend Kathy Escobar wrote a blog about living well in the tension between faith and doubt...this statement of hers resonated with me and made me realize what I want to learn to embody and how much I want to be part of a community of believers who can live well in this tension not only among ourselves but with those who we find abrasive, difficult and fundamentally disagree with on every level...

..."people have a wide range of feelings, emotions & responses that shift and change over time and a beautiful gift that christian community can give to each other is the space to be wherever they are and trust that God is at work and doesn’t always need our two cents." ~ Kathy Escobar

If I really want to embody something different in how I practice my faith, beyond the obvious outward stuff like where and when I go to church, I need to learn how to better live with the understanding that our journey's and perspectives are unique....My ongoing struggle an often inability to live in and accept this constant tension needs to be infused with a healthy dose of humility as well as repentance (the process of actually turning away from a previous belief or behavior and doing something radically different)...manifesting an outward as well as inward demonstrative change. This idea should sound familiar...it's the keystone of the Gospel of The Kingdom of God...turning away from behaviors and practices, found to be shallow and missing the mark...and truly becoming fundamentally different...deep down at the core of your soul. I want to live in this kind of tension...but...I'm not exactly sure how to get there...

If you've had some break-throughs and success living in this kind of spiritual tension...I want to hear about it...Maybe your wisdom and experience will be just what I need to motivate me to grow and improve as well!

Praxis

praxis is defined as: 1.practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills. 2.convention, habit, or custom. 3.a set of examples for practice.

I’ve been thinking a lot about spiritual practice recently...and more specifically my own spiritual practice as someone who professes to be a follower and disciple of Jesus. Even though I left the institutional church well over a year ago, I continue to feel occasional pangs of nostalgia when I recall what were once fundamental practices associated with my more traditional evangelical experience of Christianity. However it’s also true that the more time that passes, the more people I meet who walk this less traveled path, the more books I read that expound on the lost art of living as a follower as Jesus beyond the walls of the institutional church...the more I am convinced that I am no longer cut out to practice my faith on the inside.

For well over 30 years, practicing my faith as a ‘born-again Christian’ and later an ‘All-in-fully-devoted-follower-of -Jesus’ looked like a tidy concoction of personal sin management coupled with diligent Sunday morning church attendance...sprinkled with random missional field trips and the occasional emotionally driven convention or seminar. Don’t get me wrong, I was devout in my belief system (faith in the sufficiency of Jesus as my ‘personal savior’), but without awareness or intention, my Christian faith practice evolved into professing a system of ‘right-beliefs’(orthodoxy) as well as committing to lining up under a particular church banner and upholding it’s processes and programs. Messages from the pulpit continually reinforced that maturity in Christ could be boiled down to a few tangible specifics...(sin management, regular attendance, tithing 10% and serving inside the walls of the church) and in all honesty, until just recently, I was satisfied with that. At one time...I could not imagine or predict becoming restless or questioning the validity of what I was doing...or what we as American Christians as a whole were doing, but somehow the whole thing came crashing down becoming less and less believable.

Through a series of complicated circumstances...I came to the dazed conclusion that I had to get out of the traditional church environment before I became irreversibly bitter or possibly even an agnostic. Despite my obvious disillusionment with the whole ‘going-to-church’ deal, I was feeling more compelled than ever to‘be the church’ but to my surprise...the institutional model became an impediment to that effort. Fortunately, I met some local ordinary radicals (controversial, subversive believers) attempting community and missional living on the outside of the I.C, who embodied a type of Christian praxis I never knew actually existed beyond the pages of books written by people like Shane Claiborne and Michael Frost. Their incarnational model of Christian practice was so different...obviously liberated from the tidy check-list Christianity I was used to. Embracing this ideal catalyzed a massive paradigm shift in my way of thinking ...and way of practicing!

Eventually even common words and their traditional meanings, once used to express specific spiritual experiences seemed insufficient and in need of being expanded and stretched to convey fuller, deeper and perhaps more authentic meaning. For example, logistically it was obvious, on the ‘outside’ practicing worship could no longer simply mean engaging in a 20 minute prelude of corporate singing and prayer led by a paid professional before a message series commenced. Instead worship had to be more broadly defined and more organic...becoming an attitude and a way of life. Likewise, spiritual maturity could no longer be measured by attendance, tithing or serving the local body as an usher or hospitality specialist. Instead...it becomes a journey rather than a destination...not easily defined but at the very least characterized by living in a posture of service...giving not only financially but more importantly...relationally. Success outside the I.C. will no longer be measured by numbers of attenders, baptisms or decisions for Christ...but instead by the quality of the community...and the depth of our investment in the Kingdom of God and each other, collectively living in the Way of Jesus.

My Christianity at this moment, may seem starkly less ‘spiritual’ to those who remain on the inside...especially when measured by the standards and check lists esteemed in most churches today. I’ve totally thrown that list away...scrapped it and started over! My last days on the inside were exasperating, lacking meaning and depth and far too confining, the routine and process incapable of evoking any joy or positive energy at all. Part of being authentic and listening to God for me at that point, was leaving that all behind. Currently, I feel that my spiritual practice ‘ on the outside’, while more liberating in many ways " is far more costly, difficult and yet rewarding than I ever experienced in 30+ years on the inside and thus, it is for me, more legitimate and precious!"The truth is, it’s harder out here...infinitely more demanding of my time and every other resource I possess, in every area of my life... emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially.

Christian practice is void without the benefit of community...whether it's accomplished inside or outside of the I.C...is most likely a matter of personal taste. I have decided on the road a little less traveled, at least in the United States of America. My obscure community, Emerging Desert Cohort, is attempting an intentional practice navigating "The Way of Jesus" together, exploring and experiencing life in ‘communitas’. FOR REALS. We aren’t in a hurry to define ourselves or outline routine practices. We approach our individual and collective spiritual journeys in obvious and practical ways including (but not limited to) practicing inclusiveness ...having the courage to welcome ALL who want to come, creating a safe environment and making room for the questioners and spiritually fragile...practicing hospitality by sharing our homes and meals as we meet together every week...practicing radical generosity as we consistently invest in the exceptional needs of those outside ourselves, our local community and the global community as well ( no more "stop-drop-and-roll" missions!) These are many of the spiritual practices I have always craved and can now truly give myself to! (plus...we always have great home brewed BEER)

Today, as the last stubborn residue of ‘church--ianity is purged from my life, the deconstruction of what once was becomes less important. I am less fearful of eternal damnation as a result of abandoning a religious system created largely by man. I am less interested in critiquing what went wrong with my old way of doing church and more interested in rediscovering and connecting to the spiritual roots of Christian praxis in the context of relational community. Instead of taking things out and apart, I am ready to re imagine the future. Experimenting with ancient and largely unfamiliar mystical practices of my faith tradition, along with attempting some creative new spiritual experiences, is something I anticipate now rather than avoid at all costs. Where I am in all of this isn't static or standardized. Creating a more meaningful and true spiritual practice that includes living out Kingdom principals in the most literal and direct ways I can in the company of intimate community is the best place I could hope to be.

How do you define your spiritual praxis?

WORD

I am continuing to expand on a few of the 5 spiritual "KEEPERS", or spiritual by-products I inherited from the institutional church of my past. These are specific truths I feel I can claim as having legitimate life giving and eternal value...even now, living as a sort of self-imposed exile on the ‘outside'. Each foundational truth has weathered a rather bitter divorce from my ‘traditional church’ days yet has resurfaced a little tattered and torn...but maybe more mature, humble and even more multidimensional as well...or at least I'd like to think so!

Previously in the blog “Re-Jesus”, I identified the most valuable truth I gained via the institution as "Jesus" Himself...but at the same time, I had to admit that the Jesus I came to know over the years seemed a little flat and one dimensional, nothing like the radical subversive Jesus I am becoming acquainted with today. And, to be authentic...I felt I had to expose some of the accompanying fluff that He previously came packaged with that I could no longer ascribe to. Some of those ideologies even became road-blocks that I believe kept me from truly knowing and following Jesus where he seemed to be going...beyond the walls of the church.

Next, in Community-Communitas...I shared the deep on-going feelings I have regarding community life within the context of the I.C. and beyond. I emphatically confess that my desire to be connected and committed to the people of God was first developed and nurtured in the Mega church I attended for 23 years...and for that I am forever grateful. My perspective about what community is and is not...has expanded and evolved into something similar but also entirely ‘other’ than before. This phenomenon is better understood by me today as "Communitas" which can be loosely defined as a conjoined life of mission going beyond creating community for community sake and is truly far more difficult and infinitely more rewarding.

In this blog titled WORD...I want to explore the Bible. However, this is where my journey becomes more precarious and the deconstruction of my past starts to get really messy and makes my head spin. Because of that, and the fact that I fear the fall-out of what I am about to say, I have been procrastinating. I have tried to just ignore the topic, pushing it out of my mind. But, I keep being drawn back, I start to write and then...I stop. Perplexed. Scared. Indifferent. Before I began this internal assignment, I surmised that what I would eventually produce here, wouldn’t amount to any more than incoherent yammerings which would probably not accurately represent my understanding or feelings on the same topic, even 6 months from now.

It's become obvious to me that one of the greatest obstacles for me to overcome while writing this piece in particular, is that nothing is really settled for me right now. I am still in a free fall of sorts even a whole year later. Lots of things are up for debate and redefining...nothing is totally concrete...not even my grasp of the BIBLE.At the moment, my entire life is a paradigm shift! I think it’s worthwhile to mention, the current religious and political climate pervasive in our country right now, adds to my disconnect and overall lack of desire to maintain or protect what I once thought I knew for sure and treasured above all, my certainty about my Christian faith and my “Biblical World view.”

For some, that kind of ambiguity, confusion and flat out blasphemy is probably setting off all kinds of internal evangelical heresy alarms... believe me, I know! I grimace, remembering what I used to think and say about ‘people like me’ too. I remember the judgements and allegations I handed out with such conviction and superiority. However, the truth is, today...right this minute... I am deeply bothered by the Bible on so many levels. Bothered by how easy it is for debased people (wolves in sheep’s clothing I suppose)to arrive at zealous and dangerous Biblical interpretations and applications like this jackass(http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/page5.html) I’m bothered when I am emphatically told that The Word of God ‘clearly says’ this or that...when it isn’t especially clear to me at all (at least in ways it once was) I’m bothered by the contextual complexities, bothered by the problem of trying to read the Bible for personal revelation without having a tremendous amount of back knowledge to allow for “rightly dividing the truth’...and more than ever...I am bothered by being expected to receive as inerrant and infallible, the popular ‘orthodox theology’ of boisterous ultra conservative Christianity as it pertains to the Holy Bible Ironically none of this bothered me when I was a self-imposed expert on all things “Biblical” but...that has all since changed out here on the slippery slope.

At some point in my life, the Bible became a bunch of tidy and trite cliches,...a text book, a blue print, a 'prescription’ for moral living, an owner’s manual, a road map and the Holy CC&R's if you will, easily providing me with just the 'right' answers for any given situation. Beyond being used for personal guidance and enrichment...it often became something that I could use to serve myself, proving my theological estuteness and undermining the ideas and convictions of others. It kills me to admit now that during my most unbending conservative season of life inside the I.C...I used the Bible to fuel heated debates as well as a weapon to help me win arguments regarding complex moral and theological quandaries. SIDE NOTE: I absolve the church of imputing to me such a disdainful character flaw; I confess that I quite likely found my way into that pit on my very own volition...call it a symptom of modernism...dualistic thinking ...or just plain ol’sin...I cannot hold the church accountable for any of that crap ...for sure!

Right this moment...the idea of the Bible as infallible and inerrant, especially as interpreted by fragile humans with finite minds like my own or by those in positions of power...has suffered the greatest degree of scrutiny in my struggle to properly reposition the Bible in my life. Again...I digress, I am fully aware of how bad this all sounds...and frankly...I am pretty sure it is as bad as it sounds. But, despite no longer being confident in a particular set of standardized statements that have been slated to define scriptural absolutes for all time...(ironically set forth by men who believed the earth was the center of the universe and flat as a flannel-board)...the Bible remains for me foundationally unique...and inescapably necessary...although much more mysterious and frustrating than ever before.


"It could be said that each reader of the Bible reads with personal blinders...Too often the Bible is simpley a tool we use to confirm ideas we already hold. There's scarcely a more theologically distructive habit." ~Brian Sanders, Life After Church


Believing the above statement to be fundamentally true does make me more cynical and perhaps more skeptical over all. But...it has also liberated me and provided me freedom to wrestle with my Biblical uncertainties in ways I was never encouraged to before, without pressure to arrive at the exact same conclusions as the masses . Irefutable ideologies crafted by seminarians that I would at one time swallow whole...I am now chewing on for a hell of a lot longer and spitting out a lot more bones. I have had no shortage of people warning me that I will eventually find the Bible of little value and view it as a mere fairytale. Yet interestingly, unlike the warnings I received, I'm noticing that rather than conclude the Bible to be irrelivant and unimportant, I have developed a new passion for many aspects of it that went largely undeveloped or minimized before...like the Gospels of Jesus and the writings of some of the more obscure minor prophets.

Reading the Bible today is an etirely differnt experience for me. My motivation is not the same. Rather than using it to prove to myself and others that I am ultimately correct in my understanding of it, I find myself more willing to go to scripture for personal inspiration, in a posture to learn and with a lot more humility. I have delighted in reading old stories, especially the Jesus stories in brand new and fresh ways...made alive by their cultural and historical contexts and much less baggage. And, I am fortunate to be a part of a collective of people who are embarking on a similar journey. Together we are reorienting ourselves to the WORD of God and rediscovering the timeless wisdom, inspired truth and the mystery that deepens our individual and collective faith.

Community-Communitas

This is another spin off blog from an earlier post entitled "Keepers". In that blog piece, I extricated five eternally valuable truths and concepts that the Institutional Church provided and taught me for nearly 4 decades. As I mentioned previously...this was to be an exercise for me in positive thinking and gratitude...maybe that's why it was a challenge right out of the gate? Ha.

That said...there were complications, in my mind, with each of my particular spiritual ‘finds’. In my earlier blog, I referred to those things as “caveats", or ‘red-flags’ I suppose. While not insurmountable issues, I think they are worth honest examination. AND...before I go any further... I think it’s also important for me to acknowledge that my epiphany in this regard, is not an indictment entirely against the church...but also a confession of my own ignorance and the realization that maybe the evangelical mega church environment wasn’t the most healthy for me...I am certain that scads of people follow similar spiritual paths with completely different experiences, culminating in more positive and life-giving results.

Anyhow...moving on!

Beyond meeting Jesus in and through the traditional church...I also inherited a strong sense of commitment to my church family which went far beyond simple surface interactions common at Sunday morning worship services. Twenty-three plus years attending 'one single church' was probably the most valuable experience I had in learning to relate to and be committed to a community of faith in good times and bad. In my humble opinion, commitment to intimate ( aka messy ) relationships with one another...almost anywhere in our society...is a 'lost art'. Our Christian culture is no different than secular America, so consumer driven, that it is uncommon for people to stay in a job, neighborhood or church for more than a few years before becoming bored or offended and walking away.

Like other Mega churches of the 80's and 90's, the Mega church I attended during those years became rather proactive in developing small group fellowships. Leadership began to recognized that despite offering engaging worship services and a smorgasbord of weekly programming...people weren’t connecting to other people and simply didn’t stick around for long...The front door of the building was open but the 'figurative' back door never seemed to close either...in response, a huge internal movement of 'community' became the church's primary vision and a cultural catch-phrase.

My sense of spiritual community certainly began to develop during a church initiated ‘community-revival’...but not without many disappointing and unfortunate experiences along the way. In fact, I noticed rather quickly, as others did, that home-groups or life-groups that attempted to connect people via proximal suburban demographics, with only our 'home' church in common, were barely viable after a few months...as were the communities formed out of a sense of duty or obligation to the church mission statement or membership requirements. Both of these common scenarios felt forced and creepy...and at times ended badly. People would bail out, leaving others feeling abandoned; or commence fighting over complicated subjects like politics and theology which often led to angry allegations. It wouldn't be long before people were leaving the group or church pissed off, ironically, with severed or damaged relationships in their wake.

Over the years and especially as a young married and new parent...I quickly learned to crave and place a very high priority on a personal practice of faith based community out of my intrinsic need for support and camaraderie. The Small groups I experienced birthed from organic relationships, unique seasons of life or life crisis...seemed to have the most longevity and 'people' retention...but they were all too often ingrown and closed to outsiders or new people. Parenting, marriage and recovery groups offered environments with an almost instant sense of like-minded connectedness...but...were breeding grounds for elitism, exclusivity and even dysfunction. Even though I was a committed member in a few of these 'life-groups'...that kind of community was always a turn off to me. Author Michael Frost, in his book 'Exiles', remarked that communities like these are an end in themselves...rather than a means to an end.

Eventually I began to question the value of life-group communities. On the one hand I knew I needed intimacy and connectedness with the people of God that I couldn't get at a weekend church experience...but...at the same time I was growing tired of the myopic focus of these types of groups as well. One of the last groups I attended...studied the book of James at least 3 times in a year and a half. No kidding. I suppose not surprisingly, life-groups often took on the distinct personalities of the 'leaders'. The more melancholy, pious and self censoring, incessantly focusing on "sin in the camp"...while the more sanguine fun lovers...avoiding spiritual depth all together. Interestingly, I began to recognize that the only time I felt truly alive and connected in any small group after awhile, was during outward focused service projects and missional living.

It was only after leaving the Institutional church behind...that I encountered a different kind of community...identified by those who study these things as Communitas. Communitas may have many of the same characteristics as a community...( discipleship, encouragement, safety etc) with a few very important nuances. Rather than community for community sake to satisfy a requirement or need for personal support...

"Communitas is a community infused with a grand sense of purpose; a purpose that lies outside of its current internal reality and Constitution. It's the kind of community that 'happens' to people in actual pursuit of a common vision of what 'could be'. It involves movement and it describes the experience of togetherness that only really happens among a group of people actually engaging in a mission outside itself." ~ Alan Hirsch, The Forgotten Ways

I never even considered leaving community behind when I left the I.C I knew going it alone was not an option. In fact...prior to turning the page on that chapter of my life...I had already began to invest in a small group of people...self imposed exiles...attempting to live as authentic followers of Jesus outside the traditional institutionalized expression of Christianity. We shared common experiences and familiar dreams of what the body of Christ could really be and do in the world today. For many...like me...emotions were raw and spilled out...others who had already blazed this liminal(transitional state) offered encouragement and hope that sustained me through darker days.

Today in my communitas we dialogue and wrestle with concepts and theology we were never able to in our past lives...we talk and eat and drink great home-brewed beer! We attempt to experience new spiritual practice we may have formerly avoided or abandoned. Rather than emphatically confess concrete spiritual opinions we confess we don't know half of what we once thought we did and we don't need to have all the answers. We know we undeniably need each other and we do not exist to serve ourselves...but to live as the hands, feet and pocketbook of Jesus Christ...taking every opportunity to be the church.

I am not at all where I thought I'd be once upon a time...but I freely admit...I wouldn't go back to where I came from or reestablish any of the pseudo-communities of my past. It's true that it's way harder out here...not something that can easily be grasped, at least for me...Old habits and expectations are hard to let go of. A few old friends aren't sure if I've lost my salvation...and let me know it. However, I believe my current experiences have been and will continue to be transformative as I attempt to live a life as a Follower of Jesus.

RE-Jesus

Its official...I am not warming up to this blog thing as well as I had hoped. I just can't seem to get past the notion that any of my incessant analyzing and deconstructing of my past life in the institutional church really matters much. I have no inspiration to offer or light to shed on the subject...at least...not yet...and I'm not sure what the point is! One minute I am passionately constructing a new blog post and in the next moment I delete it vowing to never write again...This particular blog has been one of those experiences. However, there are a few pesky people in my life( you know who you are!)...who provoke me and push me to keep writing and exploring, perhaps believing it will ultimately be therapeutic for me...so...here I am once again.

In my previous post, "Keepers", I attempted to extricate truths and philosophies I could carry with me beyond the boundaries of the traditional evangelical church scene. I began that exercise hoping it would create a diversion for me from what tends to be a mostly negative perspective at times (laced with lament and emotional scab picking) of all things church-y. Recently, in a rare moment of positive energy I decided to survey decades of evangelical-charismatic orthodoxy and spiritual lessons, which I accumulated for over 38 years like badges on an AWANA vest.. What I ended up with was surprising. After days of contemplation... I was only able to identify five things I could say were of any real substance.

It took some serious investigating but one ‘badge’ stood out...I’ll call it my ‘ Jesus Badge’. It marked the day when I “gave my life to Christ” in a summer V.B.S. By far the oldest of my personal spiritual mile stones, it had somehow become the most over shadowed, buried beneath my own accomplishments, rights of passage, future expectations and, as it turns out, some incomplete and possibly damaging ideologies as well.

I can’t say for sure what my relationship to Jesus would have looked like if I would have met Him in a Catholic church, a Mennonite church or the Salvation Army, because I met Jesus in an evangelical (covertly charismatic) Methodist church during a “Born Again” revival that was sweeping the American church landscape in the early 1970's. What I remember from those days is scarce. Maybe it was because I was so young (8 yrs old) but getting to know Jesus and how to live like him, took a back seat to things like going to church, attending Sunday School, reciting memory work, and dominating at ‘sword drills’. Jesus saved me from hell...and remained virtually one dimensional and flat just like his flannel board character on Sunday morning for years after.

When I was sixteen, my family left our quasi charismatic Methodist church behind for the real deal... A full gospel charismatic evangelical church... By then I had been a Christian for 8 years. I knew the books of the Bible and all of the major flannel board Bible stories. I found I had a knack for apologetics and reveled in opportunities to challenge anyone with a different faith or world view than my own. Not surprising, the Jesus I came to know over the next several decades may have been someone academic (for the 80's) like Josh McDowell. I imagined that He, (Jesus) placed a high priority on being able to present Christianity in a concise logical format...quashing any lingering doubts and converting unbelievers to a concrete systematic orthodoxy.

My ultra conservative convictions developed quickly and were in full bloom by the time I reached my young adult years. It was in this decade that I came to *almost* believe Jesus was a republican (for-reals)... or that at the very least He exclusively endorsed that particular party’s agenda. After getting married and having children, Jesus manifested as a sort of ‘super’ Dr. James Dobson...It was my firm conviction that His priority was for me to get my ‘priorities right’...focus on my marriage...my family and my finances. My on-going goal in life at that time was self- censorship and personal sin management along with measuring my spiritual maturity by things like daily devotions and time per day spent in prayer ( which incidentally...I sucked at both!) I felt a strong sense that Jesus expected authentic followers of His to avoid the dangers of worldliness, like going to rated R movies, pursuing relationships with unbelievers and listening to secular music of any kind. The Jesus of that era of my life would have avoided people, places and things that did not have a figurative “approved for conservative evangelical” label on it.

To be honest....I must admit that on occasion...I did have brief glimpses of a different Jesus inside the church. I observed Him on the peripheries thru the focus ministry projects of ‘outreach’ staff. I noticed that this Jesus felt comfortable with and even desired the company of ‘outsiders’ and ‘marginalized’ people. He wasn’t worried about being defiled by their worldliness. When missionaries came to visit...I saw a Jesus who still cared about the poor and oppressed and motivated me to take action on their behalf.. But, this Jesus quickly faded from memory until someone else exposed Him again. That Jesus was alive and had flesh...He made a real difference in a screwed up, hurting world...which actually excited me. He was interesting , colorful and multi-dimensional...more compelling than the one dimensional flannel board Jesus I had known. Unlike the Jesus from my childhood that I felt I had to perform for...I felt like this ‘other’ Jesus already ‘dug’ me and wanted me to join Him in changing the world...beyond the comfort of the Institution.

As I began to pursue more encounters with incarnate missional Jesus...I began to realized that He didn’t hang out much in the churches I was a part of. I questioned that observation and the responses of those on the ‘inside’ left me disappointed and unsatisfied. The Jesus of my past was getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as I developed a compulsion to learn more about and embody more clearly, the Jesus I read of in His Gospels. Encouraged, I found new books to read, and newness to old stories. I found new groups of people who ironically had similar experiences as my own and today we are sojourners...followers of God in the Way of Jesus.

Today... I am grateful to the institution for introducing me to Jesus as a child and for providing me with spiritual formation and community. However, I am also thankful for a different perspective and a renewed interested in Jesus I have discovered on the outside. I believe this relationship will continue to unfold and develop as well as frustrate and elude me for the rest of my natural life. Rather than feeling like I have faith and Jesus and the church nailed down...I feel like I am starting from scratch...I am learning to embrace a bigger vision for myself, the church and the world we live in.

Keepers

As I was writing my blog of despair (‘STUCK’) from my little pit a few days ago...I began to contemplate what if anything I gained from my life on the "inside" of the institutional church that could be classified as a 'keeper', you know, something of value...? I honestly do not want to remain camped out in bitterness and accusation forever so, I thought it might be valuable to rediscover the concrete things that I learned or was given 'back there' that I can take with me on my current journey beyond the boundaries of the traditional I.C.

( Clock ticks loudly in the back ground...as Jeopardy music replays over and over...)

After scouring my life in years from age 8 until just over a year ago (34+ years)...I have come to a rather unfortunate yet glaring reality. Very little of what I managed to absorb and internalize during my tenure as a brand name Christian, (with practically flawless attendance) adds up to little more than "wood, hay, and stubble" promised in scripture to be consumed as fuel for holy fire at my judgement. ( I Cor.3:12 ). In a lot of ways I feel the knowledge and practice I nurtured and polished while deeply commited to my spiritual way of life are as valuable to me right now as what I learned in high school almost 25 years ago. Philosophies, ideals and actions that are now only vaguely significant to real life. Seriously. What do I have ‘to show’ for the time I invested all of those busy, busy, busy church years not so long past? There must be something?


I gave this topic a great deal of thought. I shared my pondering with a few friends and family, many seemed perplexed by the idea altogether...One well meaning person assured me that I had certainly gained 'Jesus'...if nothing else, right? Of course! This seems obvious doesn't it? Yet, as I compare what I have learned of Jesus in this past year and what I knew prior...I wonder, just what 'Jesus' did I 'get'?

After several days of meditating on this thought process...I feel I can, with some trepidation, affirm five things, that remain central and have acted as the meager life preservers for my shipwrecked faith...Arguably a few of these "keepers" are standard orthodox treasures held by most followers of Jesus. These remain my spiritual legacy too but in all honesty have taken on new life and importance following the current trajectory of my faith. The other 'gems' are just truth that I have claimed and that continues to shape my life and current world view...but I owe the institution for teaching them to me! There are caveats with all five...that I may expound on at a later time...but for now...here’s what I know for sure.

1. The church introduced me to Jesus and gave me an understanding of Him as God and personal savior. Caveat: the message of the Gospel that most certainly motivated my ‘decision for Christ’ was the threat of hell and eternal punishment awaiting those who refuse to surrender their lives to this God.

2. The institution I called my church home for over 23 years provided me with a deep interest in and an above average proficiency in comprehending Scripture. Caveat: I eventually came to believe the Bible to be an owners manual,a blue print or the holy CC and R’s which had the effect of creating a Pharisaical tone in my life as evidenced by my uncanny ability to ‘cherry-pick’ the Law and use the “word-a-god’ to justify myself and judge others.

3. I was encouraged to embrace a strong sense of commitment to my church family, much like that of a covenant relationship, like marriage...going beyond simple one-sided surface interaction. Caveat: I learned rather unfortunately that like many marriages, my committed relationship to the church wasn’t always whole or holy causing both of us pain, confusion and disappointment.

4. The ‘purpose driven’ movement that was rampant in the evangelical church in the past 10-15 years helped me to identify and embrace my innate (God given?) Personality as well as my ‘spiritual and motivational’ gifts and talents. Caveat: pervasive teaching on the benefit and importance of uncovering unique spiritual markers (i.e. gifts, significance, identity, purpose and personality type) so I could recognize God’s BIG plan for me when it ‘manifested’...coupled with a healthy apetite for the "American Dream" and a growing case of narcissism, set me up for some pretty devastating disappointment regarding the direction of my life and future role in the church/vocational ministry.

5. Expectations are dangerous. Regardless of compelling appearances or impressive speech flowing from the mouths of leadership elite and those enjoying special celebrity status inside the church indicating other wise, every one of us remains a little (or a lot in some cases) broken, dysfunctional and potentially dangerous. ...During my last several years in the church as a burgeoning leader, I learned that men and women in the church,( including me) should be emulated only in as much as we follow ‘The Way of Jesus’ and reflect His Character and Love. Caveat: This lesson was worth more than I could have ever paid for it. I couldn’t have learned it a classroom at Seminary...or a weekend conference...it had to be experienced in all of it's ugliness and pain.

Perhaps I have missed something substantial...something I just can seem to 'see' anymore? The fact that it has take me 4 days to extract these few meaningful "keepers", rescued from 3 decades of complete emersion in the American church and it's culture...says a lot to me. As the caveats to each probably expose...these perspectives have not come through the process of exiting the institutional model of church without having some baggage attached that I am still shedding.

NO matter your relationship to the traditional church right now...what things can you claim as invaluable and timeless that will always be with you as you Journey on the Way of Jesus?

STUCK

It's been one year since I formally left the institutional church. I am really sad and pissed that I am still struggling with what the hell happened and why? I don't understand how 34 years of life on the 'inside' unraveled so damn fast. I want to blame somebody...I wonder if it's my fault?

I am pissed that I wasn't smarter. I am sick inside that I was so damn gullible...I saw everything thru lenses that were handed to me by someone else...who got them from someone who got them from some seminary institution for higher learning...which make the theology 'air-tight'...

I am pissed that I held my tongue as often as I did out of fear of reproof and a coerced respect for those that I was taught to esteem as anointed and chosen to represent God. Now...I am almost certain that most of these 'men' (and a few women)are nothing more than self appointed zealots, pharisees and savvy business people with amazing marketing skills.

I hate that I haven't been able to move forward more quickly. I hate that I am still resentful regarding the words and actions (or lack there of) by toxic leaders in 'the church'...who have been careless with their responsibility as pastors, mentors, teachers and authorities representing the Gospel.

Lastly, I am despondent that much of what I have believed and held onto as 'truth' for much of my life as a "Christian" was nothing more than flimsy personal opinions...that I whole hearted believed...that caused me to be less than generous and kind towards 'outsiders' and people with incredible life struggles and issues that often prevent or hinder them from living the infamous yet mostly ambiguous "Victorious Christian Life"

I feel like I have been robbed and exploited. I seems like I have lost more than just a faith community and spiritual practices that I loved...I feel I have lost my dreams and a future of purpose and significance that I was promised as if it were a gospel truth. The culmination of these experiences have all but extinguished my faith in God...

Every single day is a fight...a giving and a taking...I am not at all convinced from one minute to the next...that all of this is going to turn out to be part of the plan...

Expectation

A pretty awesome friend of mine, Kathy Escobar, http://kathyescobar.com/ graciously offered me an opportunity a week ago or so...to be a guest contributor for the online community, Communitas Collective, that she regularly writes for.
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If you know me...you know that while I dream of doing such things I freak the hell out when I am actually given a real live chance to 'write'. See, I have this nagging desire, but I doubt my ability to come up with anything that isn't completely incoherent...or hasn't already been said better before by someone more important.

Kathy assured me that the topic for this weeks article submission was "perfect for me". The word association was Expectation. She explained that I could write about my expectations having to do with church past, present and future and I should include the good...the bad and the ugly. I was excited.

She was right...after a lot of thought I realized I had a quite a bit to say about my personal experiences with expectations and church. In fact...as I hammered away, it was hard for me to keep my article under a 1000 words!

Beyond being validating, I think writing this ariticle was theraputic on many levels. 1) it forced me to take action because I had a deadline 2) It caused me to examine the cause and effect of "expectation" 3) Reliving my past...exposed my lack of real maturity in Christ and my performace based reality all those years in the IC and 4) it made me feel powerful exposing the lies and abuse that I endured by people who are supposed to know better.

You can read my article here: http://www.communitascollective.com/

Excuses

To be honest, the idea of creating a blog has been a sort of bi-polar experience for me. While I feel almost compelled to write...I am terrified to actually do it. I visit the blogs of others and I feel completely comfortable leaving a post(or 2)...even a post that stirs up a little shit. Yet, I have not been able to take the step and do my own thing. I am a chicken. Maybe you can relate and...maybe you can't.

I am also fairly uninterested in the technical side of the blogging ...doing the set up process and then creating something visually 'cool' or 'beautiful' that will accurately represent 'me'. This excuse has served me well on many occasions when I am asked whether I blog. Unfortunately, I have avoided having to face my REAL internal hang-ups and anxieties until NOW.

My oldest daughter recently learned that I have in fact written a couple of articles for on-line publications and inquired, "Mom, why don't you have a blog...?" I throw out my well rehearsed answer..."because I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said better by someone else." She, being a very smart 15 year old replies, " How about that article you just wrote for Communitas Collective?"

Surprised by her retort...I stammer..."Well uh, gee Hannah, that's an interesting thought. But...(I pause shifting to my back up statement that will put this blog idea to bed for now, response) I have no idea how to create a blog and I am not especially interested in doing that part...ya know?" I forget that Hannah is not only cunning, she is also a whiz at whipping up blogs and has done so for herself as well as her sister and her friends. I sense I have been out smarted.

I shouldn't have been surprised that after a brief interview of what kinds of objects, colors etc I am 'feeling' into right now...she disappears for a few minutes and in that time, creates for me the blog you see here. "So, what NOW mom"....?

Hannah removed some of the more glaring obstacles I put up to avoid facing the anxiety of writing and putting my own 'stuff' out there. She reminds me of 'me'...before I recently became more characterized by self doubt and fear...this is not a familiar place for me to camp out in, though I have apathetically lived in it for over a year now. Maybe this blog will be a venue to recover a little of me...and my voice...and a tiny shard of faith.

I actually have lots of thoughts, opinions and feelings I need to work out...and this might be the perfect place. Thank you Hannah for your encouragement and patience as this process will likely be slow to evolve.

~Joy

Hannah was here.

I love you mommy. I hope you like your blog. If anything needs fixing, or tweaking, or maybe if you want to try something different, just let me know. :)

♥ Hannah