*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.
But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.
This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.
When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.
This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.
The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!
While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.
It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.
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joy - I loved reading this. I have struggled with this for the last few years myself. I wish we lived closer and could really know each other kwim?!
ReplyDeleteI feel like we go through seasons in our lives and they aren't all hyped up mountain top times. Sometimes we're trudging through the valley.
God is always with us and I cling to his promises even when I don't feel His presence. I agree that our culture is not so good at this. It's hard to be still and know when there's so much noise and clutter.
I'm glad to hear you've found a community that you love and connect with. We have as well and it's brining it's own kind of healing:)
Love you and thanks for the beautiful Christmas card!
your cuz :)
@Shay...thanks so much for reading and for leaving a comment! This place has been a real challenge for me and for us as a family.
ReplyDeleteYes we have a great community...which looks nothing like our old church days. I'd love to hear more about your experiences and your faith community!
I often feel very naked writing about this stuff. It's hard yet I think it is ultimately helpful for me and really encouraging when someone like yourself stops by and checks it out...and validate my thoughts!
Joy, I am always very moved by the things you write. And I can really appreciate all of the things you said regarding advent and the anticipation of the season (thanks for the props on the beer). The cellebration with EmDes will be a high point of this year for me. It was pretty crazy and organic (think that word is overused lately, but only one that seems to fit) how things came together.
ReplyDeleteAs you know I've been trying to be more real about my relationship and knowing of God as well. Right now, I feel the only thing I'm left with is, I don't really know him. I feel a strong connection with and desire to learn more about Jesus and follow him (his teachings, etc). And, if he is God, then maybe I do know God, I just feel so much more uncertain about all of that these days. However, I'm also feeling more okay with being uncertain. It sure brings a sense of humbleness and a desire to search, learn and know even if I feel like I'll never truly know.
Sorry...that seems like alot of nonsense.
Keep writing...Love it! Also, surprised how quickly this one was written!
Hi Joy,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a breakthrough. Simple but awesome. Christ came to form relationships and have dialogues. Good for you and your cohort. So, Merry Christmas and an Emergent New Year! :)
Joy,
ReplyDeleteI echo that you need to keep writing. I am sure it is good for you to put your thoughts out there and it is certainly good for others as it stimulates us to question, evaluate and process. I believe that you are way better off when you do experience God in the small things. All I know is that I see Jesus in you and Jim in very unique ways. Wishing you a great new year full of learning experiences.
More wonderful musings here, Joy. Let's talk about this stuff together tomorrow, if you're up for it...
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to seeing you and the rest of the clan!
joy, oh that was annoying, i wrote a comment and then somehow lost it. anyway, loved your thoughts & thanks for sharing. i do think that a huge piece of the problem-a is that weird false expectation of the high that got taught to us. i laughed out loud when you shared about the drummer boy song a la stomp! oh i can so picture it and used to thrive on it all, too. the show that i was part of was the best in town and i was so proud of that fact. now the community i am in's show is the worst in town, hahha, because there is none. and i am learning more and more how to notice, feel, experience God in small and weird and not-so-much-pressure-on-God-and-on-me ways. it is really fun. and often foreign, especially when the high used to be so easy to get. in so many ways it's giving up hard drinking or drugs and discovering life sober. real life is much, much harder. and also, at least for me, much, much better. anyway, sending lots of love and peace and endurance to just let go. my big mantra for 2009 was letting God off the hook and stop demanding/expecting so much; it wasn't like this weird resignation or ambivalence where i shut him off, it was just being kinder and gentler and respecting how much i have to learn about a simpler, less-inspiration-at-all-costs-infused faith walk. it has been very freeing. glad we're in this glorious mess together from afar. love to all the emdes-ers on the journey.
ReplyDeleteyes. :) not sure what else to say. I am there with ya in so many ways. right now though I just feel pretty lost --- like God is asking something of me but I really do not know what it is. I'm still "in" my community that I thought He was calling me out of... but I'm just not sure how/when to exist or what to go to still.... So I wait..... and that's okay
ReplyDeleteThanks for always being honest, Joy. And thanks for being on this road with me.
ReplyDeleteJoy.... your last line says it all..."who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked." God always shows up. He does.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful writer... keep up the posts as you feel lead. Thanks for your honesty and refreshing prose.