RE-Jesus

Its official...I am not warming up to this blog thing as well as I had hoped. I just can't seem to get past the notion that any of my incessant analyzing and deconstructing of my past life in the institutional church really matters much. I have no inspiration to offer or light to shed on the subject...at least...not yet...and I'm not sure what the point is! One minute I am passionately constructing a new blog post and in the next moment I delete it vowing to never write again...This particular blog has been one of those experiences. However, there are a few pesky people in my life( you know who you are!)...who provoke me and push me to keep writing and exploring, perhaps believing it will ultimately be therapeutic for me...so...here I am once again.

In my previous post, "Keepers", I attempted to extricate truths and philosophies I could carry with me beyond the boundaries of the traditional evangelical church scene. I began that exercise hoping it would create a diversion for me from what tends to be a mostly negative perspective at times (laced with lament and emotional scab picking) of all things church-y. Recently, in a rare moment of positive energy I decided to survey decades of evangelical-charismatic orthodoxy and spiritual lessons, which I accumulated for over 38 years like badges on an AWANA vest.. What I ended up with was surprising. After days of contemplation... I was only able to identify five things I could say were of any real substance.

It took some serious investigating but one ‘badge’ stood out...I’ll call it my ‘ Jesus Badge’. It marked the day when I “gave my life to Christ” in a summer V.B.S. By far the oldest of my personal spiritual mile stones, it had somehow become the most over shadowed, buried beneath my own accomplishments, rights of passage, future expectations and, as it turns out, some incomplete and possibly damaging ideologies as well.

I can’t say for sure what my relationship to Jesus would have looked like if I would have met Him in a Catholic church, a Mennonite church or the Salvation Army, because I met Jesus in an evangelical (covertly charismatic) Methodist church during a “Born Again” revival that was sweeping the American church landscape in the early 1970's. What I remember from those days is scarce. Maybe it was because I was so young (8 yrs old) but getting to know Jesus and how to live like him, took a back seat to things like going to church, attending Sunday School, reciting memory work, and dominating at ‘sword drills’. Jesus saved me from hell...and remained virtually one dimensional and flat just like his flannel board character on Sunday morning for years after.

When I was sixteen, my family left our quasi charismatic Methodist church behind for the real deal... A full gospel charismatic evangelical church... By then I had been a Christian for 8 years. I knew the books of the Bible and all of the major flannel board Bible stories. I found I had a knack for apologetics and reveled in opportunities to challenge anyone with a different faith or world view than my own. Not surprising, the Jesus I came to know over the next several decades may have been someone academic (for the 80's) like Josh McDowell. I imagined that He, (Jesus) placed a high priority on being able to present Christianity in a concise logical format...quashing any lingering doubts and converting unbelievers to a concrete systematic orthodoxy.

My ultra conservative convictions developed quickly and were in full bloom by the time I reached my young adult years. It was in this decade that I came to *almost* believe Jesus was a republican (for-reals)... or that at the very least He exclusively endorsed that particular party’s agenda. After getting married and having children, Jesus manifested as a sort of ‘super’ Dr. James Dobson...It was my firm conviction that His priority was for me to get my ‘priorities right’...focus on my marriage...my family and my finances. My on-going goal in life at that time was self- censorship and personal sin management along with measuring my spiritual maturity by things like daily devotions and time per day spent in prayer ( which incidentally...I sucked at both!) I felt a strong sense that Jesus expected authentic followers of His to avoid the dangers of worldliness, like going to rated R movies, pursuing relationships with unbelievers and listening to secular music of any kind. The Jesus of that era of my life would have avoided people, places and things that did not have a figurative “approved for conservative evangelical” label on it.

To be honest....I must admit that on occasion...I did have brief glimpses of a different Jesus inside the church. I observed Him on the peripheries thru the focus ministry projects of ‘outreach’ staff. I noticed that this Jesus felt comfortable with and even desired the company of ‘outsiders’ and ‘marginalized’ people. He wasn’t worried about being defiled by their worldliness. When missionaries came to visit...I saw a Jesus who still cared about the poor and oppressed and motivated me to take action on their behalf.. But, this Jesus quickly faded from memory until someone else exposed Him again. That Jesus was alive and had flesh...He made a real difference in a screwed up, hurting world...which actually excited me. He was interesting , colorful and multi-dimensional...more compelling than the one dimensional flannel board Jesus I had known. Unlike the Jesus from my childhood that I felt I had to perform for...I felt like this ‘other’ Jesus already ‘dug’ me and wanted me to join Him in changing the world...beyond the comfort of the Institution.

As I began to pursue more encounters with incarnate missional Jesus...I began to realized that He didn’t hang out much in the churches I was a part of. I questioned that observation and the responses of those on the ‘inside’ left me disappointed and unsatisfied. The Jesus of my past was getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as I developed a compulsion to learn more about and embody more clearly, the Jesus I read of in His Gospels. Encouraged, I found new books to read, and newness to old stories. I found new groups of people who ironically had similar experiences as my own and today we are sojourners...followers of God in the Way of Jesus.

Today... I am grateful to the institution for introducing me to Jesus as a child and for providing me with spiritual formation and community. However, I am also thankful for a different perspective and a renewed interested in Jesus I have discovered on the outside. I believe this relationship will continue to unfold and develop as well as frustrate and elude me for the rest of my natural life. Rather than feeling like I have faith and Jesus and the church nailed down...I feel like I am starting from scratch...I am learning to embrace a bigger vision for myself, the church and the world we live in.