Making a WAY in the desert

This post was initially intended for submission May 19th as part of a synchro-blog organized by Julie Clawson. a early morning visit to the ER prevented me from getting it done...at any rate here it is.

I grew up expecting God to do something....to be up to something...especially something “new”.Charismatic Christians in traditions like that of my past are eternally optimistic...instinctively believing that God is always about to be ‘up to something new’. Sure, sometimes God does something new in fairly innocuous ways and then other times...He does something crazy...like that whole Toronto Blessing thing...where sanctuaries full of ‘spirit filled believers’ pass around a contagious-side-splitting-spirit-induced laughter lasting hours on end. Back in the day, I heard many breathless and confident prophets herald God’s eminent intention to “do a new thing” with the goal of moving our church in a new or innovative direction. I lived in a chronic state of expectancy for decades...yet I could have never expected the radically uncomfortable new thing I am living today.

~Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland~ ~ Isaiah 43:18

As nouveau and 'fringy' as emergent Christianity may seem to many modern conservatives today, I surmise the plunge into the scene...errr conversation...is far from ground breaking, innovative or historically NEW. In fact, it seems obvious to me that the process of emerging and emergence have been happening in the realm of Christianity from its earliest days...That said, I confess as a 43 year old woman once steeped in ultra-conservative evangelicalism for more than 30 years...the story I currently find myself in is certainly unexpected and “NEW” to me. See, I officially jumped the ship of traditional Christianity (actually I was made to walk the plank) about two years ago, forcing me to sink like a rock deep into a dark tumultuous ocean of doubt, fear, and very little hope. There is nothing new under the sun about this kind of phenomena. However, the proliferation of safe places like cohorts, missional groups and other emergent friendly communities (proximal or virtual) willing to hold the tension we endure during the emotional and spiritual transition, is still fairly new but it is becoming more widespread.

Thankfully, before I had the chance to completely drown alone in my overwhelming fear and cynicism as a result of my shipwrecked faith, I was pulled into a tiny little life boat in the suburban desert of Arizona by a newly established Emergent Village Cohort(Emerging Desert)or EmDes as ‘we’ call it. This fledgling group was launched by a couple of friends to provide safe ‘space’ for “questioners, quitters, rebels and re-builders”, which was very good news for me as I was (and still am) all of those things. EmDes rescued me in a very real way, providing an open and safe place to dialogue about my messy journey, ask my dangerous questions and work through my sh*t without the fear of rejection or even worse, excommunication. As far as I am concerned, this alone saved my faith...

Groups of people that gather intentionally to carve out safe spaces for others in a season of liminality or transition, wrought with pain, questions, doubt, and thread bare hope...is the essence of ‘what continues to emerge in the emerging global church’...and I hope it will always be so. Some emergent voices much more informed and astute that mine, who have engaged the post-modern emergent Christian dialogue for decades, now project the movement is already imploding...a few would even pronounce it dead. I suppose that could be true in some circles and instances...But I doubt emergence Christianity will ever disappear. It seems to me as long as the institutional church exists in its current form with the issues and baggage many perceive it to have...there will always be individuals that continue to face real moments of crisis in their faith and new spiritual epiphanies, eventually they jump ship or get pushed overboard like I did...simply for daring to ask the heretical questions and dream out loud new dreams for the Kingdom of God. What is important in that moment is...finding a place to belong...asking is there room in the Kingdom of God for 'other-ness'... and can faith thrive there?!

Cohorts, missional tribes, small urban churches, emergent friendly mainstreamers as well as the less formal kitchen table conversations continue to create and hold refreshing life giving liminal and liberated spaces (or temporary autonomous zones as Brian McLaren refers to them) that will no doubt serve as life boats for countless others to cling to when they fall over-board and attempt to weather dark stormy seas of deconstruction and from there navigate the dimly lit paths of re-building faith. The current trends and over arching narrative in emergent Christianity is provocative and important...but actually living this stuff out in all it's wild diversity...in the company of honest, courageous people, is really what it's all about...it's so important, at least to me! I don't mean to minimize the problematic areas and hot topics in emergence Christianity...those are real issues that need attention, but being a part of a liberated incarnational community is all that really matters for some...especially in the very beginning stages of the journey.

On a personal note, my specific community, EmDes,is experiencing it’s own emergence within emerging. Two years beyond our mostly agonizing deconstruction-wrestling-with-God phase, both separately and collectively, we have become more sensitive to the need to move beyond all that was...towards reconstructing and rebuilding something NEW. Yet, we are in no real hurry to define it or label it. We are still in transition, a true liminality, which I recently learned leads to an increased awareness of our own shadows and those of others...I think this is true, it has been for EmDes. This awareness within the context of community is promoting deeper intimacy with each other and challenges us to be prepared to welcome others at any time who need a safe place to detox from churchianity or who need a space to present an opposing point of view. I think we are right where we are supposed to be as we continue to refine our individual and collective mission in our community of faith in the context of emerging Christianity. Our little group has turned a figurative 'emergent' corner...we are experiencing a sort of spiritual revival on many different levels...especially as it relates to praxis.

What's emerging in my little piece of the emerging church community, EmDes, is a much anticipated maturity. We are asking different questions now...we are okay not having as many answers. We are making a Way in the desert...moving forward in our conversation collectively and individually...yet we continue to hold space and tension for the next sojourner who will be hoisted into our life boat, perhaps in the same sad state we once found ourselves in...needing a safe place to experience redemption of a fragile faith and a resurrection of lost hope and lost dreams in the company of community.

Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.