Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.

TENSION

Initially when I began thinking of my own journey and spiritual practice, it was easy to recall the things I was eager to be leaving behind within the traditional model of 'church'...Things like the routine, the single contributor driven monologue, the 'stained-glass-ceiling, name-brand banner waving, using 85% of the collective tithe to support infrastructure often with shocking exorbitance and being expected to invest practically all of my energy and personal resources into serving 'inside the church' while supporting the vision and slick marketing mantras of the leadership.

Similarly, it was like a breath of fresh air to contemplate all of the new and liberating forms of praxis available to explore and live out, simply as a result of venturing onto a path less traveled. A few of those being: honest dependency on the 'priesthood' of believers, consistent missional-focused living, intimacy in community, open and inclusive dialogue, not only welcoming doubt but 'embracing the questions' (that's for you Sarah G!) What was once believed to be 'wrong' and off limits can be reconsidered, explored and often claimed and kept...without needing to hide it; what was before a 'non-negotiable certainty', can be scrutinized, examined and purged (if necessary) sometimes with a shudder and an AMEN...without the fear of being shunned or labeled divisive or dangerous.

It sounds so easy when I hear myself say all of that or when I read a few tidy condensed paragraphs I've written summarizing the experience, as if it happens instantaneously. It doesn't. It's a process...a tedious process of living in constant 'tension' of one kind or another...which is a complete ass-kicker for person like me to come to terms with. My dear friend Jamie says I am a stereotypical product of modernism and dualistic thinking...tight-fistedly hanging on to a black or white...good or bad...right or wrong view of the world and others. I struggle with the need to be right...to be correct...wanting to claim emphatically that my way, my answers and my practice are 'the purest of ways' . This need to judge and categorize is part of my spiritual past and my biggest character flaw. It continues to effect how I see, hear and respond to anyone who remains invested in any system, ideology or way of practicing faith (or politics) that I have determined at best to be lacking and at worst completely depraved.

At one time, Christians outside the conservative norm freaked me out...I avoided them, argued with them and ultimately dismissed them, sometimes delicately and other times...not so much. Now I find myself on the opposite side of the fence, put-off...and irritated when confronted with anything from my former spiritual camp. For example, I practically roll my eyes when I'm invited to attend a women's function with 'purpose driven', 'captivating' or 'princess' anywhere in the event description. I panic and and make excuses when I'm asked to attend conferences or church services featuring key-note speakers whose messages I now find nauseating. And...when any conversation I'm engaged contains..." I was watching the 700CLUB or Joel Osteen today"...I seriously start looking for the door. Why is this? Why do I feel no matter what side of the fence I'm on...I'm on the important side...the side that understands and gets-it...or conversly, the side that deserves to be treated with mercy and understanding?

The tension I experienced when I first chose to leave the institutional church was brand new for me...I never expected my character and spirituality to be picked apart as a result of my changing convictions and ideas and from there, subjected to all varieties of judgement and condemnation by people who I considered to be my church family. Enduring that painful season in the early days of my metamorphosis...brought to mind several people I had treated with the same ugly behaviour...today I cynically refer to this 'karma-come-back' as " The Spiritual Shit Sandwich". This spiritual tension has always been palpable in my life...and, I have historically responded poorly to it.

Recently my friend Kathy Escobar wrote a blog about living well in the tension between faith and doubt...this statement of hers resonated with me and made me realize what I want to learn to embody and how much I want to be part of a community of believers who can live well in this tension not only among ourselves but with those who we find abrasive, difficult and fundamentally disagree with on every level...

..."people have a wide range of feelings, emotions & responses that shift and change over time and a beautiful gift that christian community can give to each other is the space to be wherever they are and trust that God is at work and doesn’t always need our two cents." ~ Kathy Escobar

If I really want to embody something different in how I practice my faith, beyond the obvious outward stuff like where and when I go to church, I need to learn how to better live with the understanding that our journey's and perspectives are unique....My ongoing struggle an often inability to live in and accept this constant tension needs to be infused with a healthy dose of humility as well as repentance (the process of actually turning away from a previous belief or behavior and doing something radically different)...manifesting an outward as well as inward demonstrative change. This idea should sound familiar...it's the keystone of the Gospel of The Kingdom of God...turning away from behaviors and practices, found to be shallow and missing the mark...and truly becoming fundamentally different...deep down at the core of your soul. I want to live in this kind of tension...but...I'm not exactly sure how to get there...

If you've had some break-throughs and success living in this kind of spiritual tension...I want to hear about it...Maybe your wisdom and experience will be just what I need to motivate me to grow and improve as well!