TransFORMing

A few weeks ago...I was enticed to attend the TransFORM east coast conference...a gathering for the missional/incarnational minded. Everything about this conference excited me, starting with the cost...which was FREE, thanks to Wesley Theological Seminary! I'm not gonna lie...a free missional conference with a lot of other possible freebie options (plane ticket, transportation from Dulles to Arlington VA...and a place to crash for the duration) made this conference completely irresistible. But, before I ever knew how financially accessible TransFORM would become for me...I was consumed with the desire to get there. I can't say for sure what the allure was for the other 200-300 people who somehow made their way to DC from all over the USA and Canada...But for me it had much less to do with the A-list speakers, smorgasbord of workshops or even the FREE part...and everything to do with a LOVE...and a compulsion for community and connection with my extended family in the Kingdom of God.

From the moment I set one foot on the Wesley campus I noticed a palpable energy...the vibe was a little like a gigantic long anticipated family reunion... We became instant cousins, nieces, nephews, aunties, uncles, brothers and sisters...through our spiritual DNA. Introductions seemed to be mere formalities because so many of us already knew the other thru social media and the blogosphere. Usually limited to virtual community (#twitter and facebook)...this gathering was a tangible opportunity for 'facetime' and hugging necks! LOVE pulsated and spilled out all over the place...It was truly beautiful. The overwhelming feeling of inter-connectivity never dissipated once for me and...and as I surveyed this unlikely family of mine...I surmised "I could *almost* imagine myself participating in 'real' church if it looked like 'this'... (o;

As much as I appreciate the 'powerhouse' keynote speakers scheduled at this FREE conference...(read: Brian McLaren and Peter Rollins) I was actually more stirred-up by the fact that the background voices in the vast arena of emergence/incarnational/missional Christianity were featured on the same platform, sharing their realities from the front lines. Though I usually devour the controversial books and provocative theological conversations the BIGGER names bring...I can honestly say I didn't come for that. I came to hear from people like Kathy Escobar of the Refuge, Anthony Smith aka Postmodernegro, Tim Condor of Emmaus Way, Phil Shepherd of The Eucatastrophy...not to mention Eliacin Rosario-Cruz, Jonathan Brink and Mark Scandrette to name a few...people I can truly relate to...some I call true friends and mentors. These are the people who are living daily this thing we call missional/incarnational...for-reals. This is what ultimately drew me to the conference and it's what inspired me. It whet my appetite for something more...even though I'm not quite sure what that is just yet.

Despite an ongoing storm of doubt and uncertainty in my mind...along with the subsequent spiritual deconstruction I 've been walking through for the past couple years, I hesitantly admit that I've recently felt pangs and provocations equally terrifying for me. I'm still standing in a heap of smoldering ashes of my past systematic theology and churchianity...but I'm compelled to excavate what's left of my core beliefs and best dreams in hopes that I might have the courage to eventually begin a creative process of rebuilding and reconstructing spiritual praxis in the context my own community of sojourners. What's the fear in it all? It's that it will never materialize or that I'll have to do it alone. One of the the greatest things about the TransFORM community in general is that it was populated with a great cloud of witnesses who have gone before me in this process...Experiencing that up close breathed life into what is for me too often a deflated and defeated hope when it comes to me and my relationship to 'the church'.

It's not so difficult to re-imagine vibrant faith, spirituality and community in a "liberated space" ripe with diversity, creativity, love...and unconditional acceptance. It was so easy for me to relax in this safe 'Hush Harbor' ( thanks Anthony for the great analogy) with people who understand what it feels like to be rejected and held in contempt by some evangelical communities today, like the one I came from. I could see the out working of the gifts within the body and the leveling of the playing field...the humility of them all...just doing their own unique thing in the context of togetherness...it manifested like a great orchestra with every instrument playing...creating a magnificent overture. It was, I think THE WAY it's all supposed to be. Most of the time I sat and soaked in it...and dreamed about there being similar communities all over the world for people who wanted to be a part of something like that.

I heard some pretty powerful messages too...my little composition book of notes is now like a sacred text. Truth and Hope were communicated to me in so many ways and by so many prophets...I certainly feel TransFORMed by much of it. I believe the experience has and will continue to shape my spiritual future...yet I have a long way to go and a lot to still overcome. But alas...those thoughts and epiphanies will have to wait for another post to them any justice! To be continued...

Making a WAY in the desert

This post was initially intended for submission May 19th as part of a synchro-blog organized by Julie Clawson. a early morning visit to the ER prevented me from getting it done...at any rate here it is.

I grew up expecting God to do something....to be up to something...especially something “new”.Charismatic Christians in traditions like that of my past are eternally optimistic...instinctively believing that God is always about to be ‘up to something new’. Sure, sometimes God does something new in fairly innocuous ways and then other times...He does something crazy...like that whole Toronto Blessing thing...where sanctuaries full of ‘spirit filled believers’ pass around a contagious-side-splitting-spirit-induced laughter lasting hours on end. Back in the day, I heard many breathless and confident prophets herald God’s eminent intention to “do a new thing” with the goal of moving our church in a new or innovative direction. I lived in a chronic state of expectancy for decades...yet I could have never expected the radically uncomfortable new thing I am living today.

~Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland~ ~ Isaiah 43:18

As nouveau and 'fringy' as emergent Christianity may seem to many modern conservatives today, I surmise the plunge into the scene...errr conversation...is far from ground breaking, innovative or historically NEW. In fact, it seems obvious to me that the process of emerging and emergence have been happening in the realm of Christianity from its earliest days...That said, I confess as a 43 year old woman once steeped in ultra-conservative evangelicalism for more than 30 years...the story I currently find myself in is certainly unexpected and “NEW” to me. See, I officially jumped the ship of traditional Christianity (actually I was made to walk the plank) about two years ago, forcing me to sink like a rock deep into a dark tumultuous ocean of doubt, fear, and very little hope. There is nothing new under the sun about this kind of phenomena. However, the proliferation of safe places like cohorts, missional groups and other emergent friendly communities (proximal or virtual) willing to hold the tension we endure during the emotional and spiritual transition, is still fairly new but it is becoming more widespread.

Thankfully, before I had the chance to completely drown alone in my overwhelming fear and cynicism as a result of my shipwrecked faith, I was pulled into a tiny little life boat in the suburban desert of Arizona by a newly established Emergent Village Cohort(Emerging Desert)or EmDes as ‘we’ call it. This fledgling group was launched by a couple of friends to provide safe ‘space’ for “questioners, quitters, rebels and re-builders”, which was very good news for me as I was (and still am) all of those things. EmDes rescued me in a very real way, providing an open and safe place to dialogue about my messy journey, ask my dangerous questions and work through my sh*t without the fear of rejection or even worse, excommunication. As far as I am concerned, this alone saved my faith...

Groups of people that gather intentionally to carve out safe spaces for others in a season of liminality or transition, wrought with pain, questions, doubt, and thread bare hope...is the essence of ‘what continues to emerge in the emerging global church’...and I hope it will always be so. Some emergent voices much more informed and astute that mine, who have engaged the post-modern emergent Christian dialogue for decades, now project the movement is already imploding...a few would even pronounce it dead. I suppose that could be true in some circles and instances...But I doubt emergence Christianity will ever disappear. It seems to me as long as the institutional church exists in its current form with the issues and baggage many perceive it to have...there will always be individuals that continue to face real moments of crisis in their faith and new spiritual epiphanies, eventually they jump ship or get pushed overboard like I did...simply for daring to ask the heretical questions and dream out loud new dreams for the Kingdom of God. What is important in that moment is...finding a place to belong...asking is there room in the Kingdom of God for 'other-ness'... and can faith thrive there?!

Cohorts, missional tribes, small urban churches, emergent friendly mainstreamers as well as the less formal kitchen table conversations continue to create and hold refreshing life giving liminal and liberated spaces (or temporary autonomous zones as Brian McLaren refers to them) that will no doubt serve as life boats for countless others to cling to when they fall over-board and attempt to weather dark stormy seas of deconstruction and from there navigate the dimly lit paths of re-building faith. The current trends and over arching narrative in emergent Christianity is provocative and important...but actually living this stuff out in all it's wild diversity...in the company of honest, courageous people, is really what it's all about...it's so important, at least to me! I don't mean to minimize the problematic areas and hot topics in emergence Christianity...those are real issues that need attention, but being a part of a liberated incarnational community is all that really matters for some...especially in the very beginning stages of the journey.

On a personal note, my specific community, EmDes,is experiencing it’s own emergence within emerging. Two years beyond our mostly agonizing deconstruction-wrestling-with-God phase, both separately and collectively, we have become more sensitive to the need to move beyond all that was...towards reconstructing and rebuilding something NEW. Yet, we are in no real hurry to define it or label it. We are still in transition, a true liminality, which I recently learned leads to an increased awareness of our own shadows and those of others...I think this is true, it has been for EmDes. This awareness within the context of community is promoting deeper intimacy with each other and challenges us to be prepared to welcome others at any time who need a safe place to detox from churchianity or who need a space to present an opposing point of view. I think we are right where we are supposed to be as we continue to refine our individual and collective mission in our community of faith in the context of emerging Christianity. Our little group has turned a figurative 'emergent' corner...we are experiencing a sort of spiritual revival on many different levels...especially as it relates to praxis.

What's emerging in my little piece of the emerging church community, EmDes, is a much anticipated maturity. We are asking different questions now...we are okay not having as many answers. We are making a Way in the desert...moving forward in our conversation collectively and individually...yet we continue to hold space and tension for the next sojourner who will be hoisted into our life boat, perhaps in the same sad state we once found ourselves in...needing a safe place to experience redemption of a fragile faith and a resurrection of lost hope and lost dreams in the company of community.

Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.

Praxis

praxis is defined as: 1.practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills. 2.convention, habit, or custom. 3.a set of examples for practice.

I’ve been thinking a lot about spiritual practice recently...and more specifically my own spiritual practice as someone who professes to be a follower and disciple of Jesus. Even though I left the institutional church well over a year ago, I continue to feel occasional pangs of nostalgia when I recall what were once fundamental practices associated with my more traditional evangelical experience of Christianity. However it’s also true that the more time that passes, the more people I meet who walk this less traveled path, the more books I read that expound on the lost art of living as a follower as Jesus beyond the walls of the institutional church...the more I am convinced that I am no longer cut out to practice my faith on the inside.

For well over 30 years, practicing my faith as a ‘born-again Christian’ and later an ‘All-in-fully-devoted-follower-of -Jesus’ looked like a tidy concoction of personal sin management coupled with diligent Sunday morning church attendance...sprinkled with random missional field trips and the occasional emotionally driven convention or seminar. Don’t get me wrong, I was devout in my belief system (faith in the sufficiency of Jesus as my ‘personal savior’), but without awareness or intention, my Christian faith practice evolved into professing a system of ‘right-beliefs’(orthodoxy) as well as committing to lining up under a particular church banner and upholding it’s processes and programs. Messages from the pulpit continually reinforced that maturity in Christ could be boiled down to a few tangible specifics...(sin management, regular attendance, tithing 10% and serving inside the walls of the church) and in all honesty, until just recently, I was satisfied with that. At one time...I could not imagine or predict becoming restless or questioning the validity of what I was doing...or what we as American Christians as a whole were doing, but somehow the whole thing came crashing down becoming less and less believable.

Through a series of complicated circumstances...I came to the dazed conclusion that I had to get out of the traditional church environment before I became irreversibly bitter or possibly even an agnostic. Despite my obvious disillusionment with the whole ‘going-to-church’ deal, I was feeling more compelled than ever to‘be the church’ but to my surprise...the institutional model became an impediment to that effort. Fortunately, I met some local ordinary radicals (controversial, subversive believers) attempting community and missional living on the outside of the I.C, who embodied a type of Christian praxis I never knew actually existed beyond the pages of books written by people like Shane Claiborne and Michael Frost. Their incarnational model of Christian practice was so different...obviously liberated from the tidy check-list Christianity I was used to. Embracing this ideal catalyzed a massive paradigm shift in my way of thinking ...and way of practicing!

Eventually even common words and their traditional meanings, once used to express specific spiritual experiences seemed insufficient and in need of being expanded and stretched to convey fuller, deeper and perhaps more authentic meaning. For example, logistically it was obvious, on the ‘outside’ practicing worship could no longer simply mean engaging in a 20 minute prelude of corporate singing and prayer led by a paid professional before a message series commenced. Instead worship had to be more broadly defined and more organic...becoming an attitude and a way of life. Likewise, spiritual maturity could no longer be measured by attendance, tithing or serving the local body as an usher or hospitality specialist. Instead...it becomes a journey rather than a destination...not easily defined but at the very least characterized by living in a posture of service...giving not only financially but more importantly...relationally. Success outside the I.C. will no longer be measured by numbers of attenders, baptisms or decisions for Christ...but instead by the quality of the community...and the depth of our investment in the Kingdom of God and each other, collectively living in the Way of Jesus.

My Christianity at this moment, may seem starkly less ‘spiritual’ to those who remain on the inside...especially when measured by the standards and check lists esteemed in most churches today. I’ve totally thrown that list away...scrapped it and started over! My last days on the inside were exasperating, lacking meaning and depth and far too confining, the routine and process incapable of evoking any joy or positive energy at all. Part of being authentic and listening to God for me at that point, was leaving that all behind. Currently, I feel that my spiritual practice ‘ on the outside’, while more liberating in many ways " is far more costly, difficult and yet rewarding than I ever experienced in 30+ years on the inside and thus, it is for me, more legitimate and precious!"The truth is, it’s harder out here...infinitely more demanding of my time and every other resource I possess, in every area of my life... emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially.

Christian practice is void without the benefit of community...whether it's accomplished inside or outside of the I.C...is most likely a matter of personal taste. I have decided on the road a little less traveled, at least in the United States of America. My obscure community, Emerging Desert Cohort, is attempting an intentional practice navigating "The Way of Jesus" together, exploring and experiencing life in ‘communitas’. FOR REALS. We aren’t in a hurry to define ourselves or outline routine practices. We approach our individual and collective spiritual journeys in obvious and practical ways including (but not limited to) practicing inclusiveness ...having the courage to welcome ALL who want to come, creating a safe environment and making room for the questioners and spiritually fragile...practicing hospitality by sharing our homes and meals as we meet together every week...practicing radical generosity as we consistently invest in the exceptional needs of those outside ourselves, our local community and the global community as well ( no more "stop-drop-and-roll" missions!) These are many of the spiritual practices I have always craved and can now truly give myself to! (plus...we always have great home brewed BEER)

Today, as the last stubborn residue of ‘church--ianity is purged from my life, the deconstruction of what once was becomes less important. I am less fearful of eternal damnation as a result of abandoning a religious system created largely by man. I am less interested in critiquing what went wrong with my old way of doing church and more interested in rediscovering and connecting to the spiritual roots of Christian praxis in the context of relational community. Instead of taking things out and apart, I am ready to re imagine the future. Experimenting with ancient and largely unfamiliar mystical practices of my faith tradition, along with attempting some creative new spiritual experiences, is something I anticipate now rather than avoid at all costs. Where I am in all of this isn't static or standardized. Creating a more meaningful and true spiritual practice that includes living out Kingdom principals in the most literal and direct ways I can in the company of intimate community is the best place I could hope to be.

How do you define your spiritual praxis?