Initially when I began thinking of my own journey and spiritual practice, it was easy to recall the things I was eager to be leaving behind within the traditional model of 'church'...Things like the routine, the single contributor driven monologue, the 'stained-glass-ceiling, name-brand banner waving, using 85% of the collective tithe to support infrastructure often with shocking exorbitance and being expected to invest practically all of my energy and personal resources into serving 'inside the church' while supporting the vision and slick marketing mantras of the leadership.
Similarly, it was like a breath of fresh air to contemplate all of the new and liberating forms of praxis available to explore and live out, simply as a result of venturing onto a path less traveled. A few of those being: honest dependency on the 'priesthood' of believers, consistent missional-focused living, intimacy in community, open and inclusive dialogue, not only welcoming doubt but 'embracing the questions' (that's for you Sarah G!) What was once believed to be 'wrong' and off limits can be reconsidered, explored and often claimed and kept...without needing to hide it; what was before a 'non-negotiable certainty', can be scrutinized, examined and purged (if necessary) sometimes with a shudder and an AMEN...without the fear of being shunned or labeled divisive or dangerous.
It sounds so easy when I hear myself say all of that or when I read a few tidy condensed paragraphs I've written summarizing the experience, as if it happens instantaneously. It doesn't. It's a process...a tedious process of living in constant 'tension' of one kind or another...which is a complete ass-kicker for person like me to come to terms with. My dear friend Jamie says I am a stereotypical product of modernism and dualistic thinking...tight-fistedly hanging on to a black or white...good or bad...right or wrong view of the world and others. I struggle with the need to be right...to be correct...wanting to claim emphatically that my way, my answers and my practice are 'the purest of ways' . This need to judge and categorize is part of my spiritual past and my biggest character flaw. It continues to effect how I see, hear and respond to anyone who remains invested in any system, ideology or way of practicing faith (or politics) that I have determined at best to be lacking and at worst completely depraved.
At one time, Christians outside the conservative norm freaked me out...I avoided them, argued with them and ultimately dismissed them, sometimes delicately and other times...not so much. Now I find myself on the opposite side of the fence, put-off...and irritated when confronted with anything from my former spiritual camp. For example, I practically roll my eyes when I'm invited to attend a women's function with 'purpose driven', 'captivating' or 'princess' anywhere in the event description. I panic and and make excuses when I'm asked to attend conferences or church services featuring key-note speakers whose messages I now find nauseating. And...when any conversation I'm engaged contains..." I was watching the 700CLUB or Joel Osteen today"...I seriously start looking for the door. Why is this? Why do I feel no matter what side of the fence I'm on...I'm on the important side...the side that understands and gets-it...or conversly, the side that deserves to be treated with mercy and understanding?
The tension I experienced when I first chose to leave the institutional church was brand new for me...I never expected my character and spirituality to be picked apart as a result of my changing convictions and ideas and from there, subjected to all varieties of judgement and condemnation by people who I considered to be my church family. Enduring that painful season in the early days of my metamorphosis...brought to mind several people I had treated with the same ugly behaviour...today I cynically refer to this 'karma-come-back' as " The Spiritual Shit Sandwich". This spiritual tension has always been palpable in my life...and, I have historically responded poorly to it.
Recently my friend Kathy Escobar wrote a blog about living well in the tension between faith and doubt...this statement of hers resonated with me and made me realize what I want to learn to embody and how much I want to be part of a community of believers who can live well in this tension not only among ourselves but with those who we find abrasive, difficult and fundamentally disagree with on every level...
..."people have a wide range of feelings, emotions & responses that shift and change over time and a beautiful gift that christian community can give to each other is the space to be wherever they are and trust that God is at work and doesn’t always need our two cents." ~ Kathy Escobar
If I really want to embody something different in how I practice my faith, beyond the obvious outward stuff like where and when I go to church, I need to learn how to better live with the understanding that our journey's and perspectives are unique....My ongoing struggle an often inability to live in and accept this constant tension needs to be infused with a healthy dose of humility as well as repentance (the process of actually turning away from a previous belief or behavior and doing something radically different)...manifesting an outward as well as inward demonstrative change. This idea should sound familiar...it's the keystone of the Gospel of The Kingdom of God...turning away from behaviors and practices, found to be shallow and missing the mark...and truly becoming fundamentally different...deep down at the core of your soul. I want to live in this kind of tension...but...I'm not exactly sure how to get there...
If you've had some break-throughs and success living in this kind of spiritual tension...I want to hear about it...Maybe your wisdom and experience will be just what I need to motivate me to grow and improve as well!
This is beautiful, Joy. It's been a long journey for me, too. When I started "embracing the questions" (*wink*), I somehow morphed into this judgemental person that I actually had never been previously. It seemed no matter how flexible my ideas of God, the very idea of believing so strongly in anything made me closed off to other ideas. It would have been that way for me if it were vegetarianism, or being pro-life, or whatever - my relatively easygoing spirit didn't have the capacity to handle conviction at the beginning. It really didn't.
ReplyDeleteAnd I started to become a judgemental person while embracing a non-judgemental faith. It was as perplexing and confusing to me as it probably sounds. It's taken me a long time and a lot of painful work to get to the point where I'm willing to hold my faith in an open palm and not clutch it like a measuring stick to judge my friends by. I'm still not all that good at it, and I have to work at it a lot. But my sense of "live and let live" is slowly returning - and with it, my capacity to truly love others with recklessness and abandon.
Thanks for sharing your journey. It's so nice to know how similar our struggles are!
Another beautiful post. Loved your thoughts and am right there with you in so many of them (I'm still very much stuck in many black/white... right/wrong boxes)..... and then others of your thoughts I can't really understand since I haven't been hurt like you.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of the weirdos I guess that isn't leaving the institutional/business 'church' scene totally hurt or wounded... just wanting more.
I think I find myself in a weird place where I fit in nowhere. I still do LOVE books like Captivating and many others that God very much used in my life at different points. I can sort of fit in anywhere - but fully fit in nowhere.
I don't see that I'll ever look back with negative at any of the seasons I've been in --- though I DO disagree so much now with the decisions that the people God is moving me away from are making...yet I still see their hearts and that they just haven't seen what I've seen and God doesn't have them on the same path.
So I guess I live in this tension of loneliness - not fully fitting in any 'crowd' - just desiring and longing for something in a community that I just haven't found yet.
thanks for letting me share too :) Love!
Joy, you are a natural writer.
ReplyDeleteHee, hee--you said "shit sandwhich". As always Joy, a thoroughly thoughtful and though-provoking post. And not just because you said shit. ;p
ReplyDeleteHi Joy, thanks for your comments on my blog at the Contemplative Crisis. I think the US has a greater percentage of churches which are 'Purpose Driven' and if that's not enough, quite a few which are Fundamentalist. Here in Australia we tend to filter out the excesses of the US church culture. Some remain. We are the home of Hillsong. Uck. Australians tend to be less polarised than the US society and more sceptical about things. My toxic experience is slowing being written up as the chapters of a book with the working title: 'I am in recovery'. I've also written about it in essay form which is on my blog as part of my training as a spiritual director.
ReplyDeleteAfter leaving minstry I spent the next 7 yrs recovering, but we found a healthy church (Anglican) that lived out and expressed grace. It talked about it a bit, but not much. They said on our arrival: 'You look tired. Sit down and rest. When you're ready, just let us know what you'd like to do.' After a year, I began to think about what I'd like to do. There was no rush, just more care. I did bits and pieces in the life of the church, but only as needed. Eventually I became a warden to the vicar and then after a year I resigned. Everyone thought I was disgruntled, but I was not. In fact I was very happy with the church. Once I'd explained why I had resigned, everyone was happy because I wanted to continue a focus on just being with people and helping out when needed. The congregatgion's 'feel' is very laid back. People take a year off or change ministries without any fuss. Then after 8 yrs of this I was reordained and am now a minster in another Anglican church where I find life and grace. My kids continue to attend as my wife and I are no longer there.
Bye for now, Rob