Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.

THANKFUL

I have so many obvious blessings...it's ridiculous. For starters...I have an amazingly supportive husband, 4 brilliant and stunning daughters, many precious friends, both of my parents and my in-laws are healthy, active and invested in our lives...I have a lovely home, newer cars as well as a little bit of spending money...I truly do not lack one creature comfort. Yet, Rather that catalogue all of the more obvious things I am and should be thankful for...(there are many)...I want to share a few things that I am grateful for that I have found and identified more by accident, recovered under the layers of cynicism, despair, anger and doubt that I have wallowed in for nearly 2 years.

The last couple of years of my life have been a challenge for me emotionally and spiritually. My life has not followed the course I charted a few decades ago, certainly not an ideal situation for a type A control freak like me. If I were to judge my life by my previous christian-y standards...I would label where I now find myself as an epic failure. I had some pretty lofty ideas and expectations conceived and nursed for years in my 'fully-devoted' evangelical days that have completely crashed and burned outside the institutional Church. As painful as this season of loss has been, it needed to happen. Shedding some superficial fluff and 'me' centric idealism has helped me gain some much needed perspective on my life in relationship to the Kingdom of God. Before my slippery slope experience, I was only marginally aware...I think because my shiny sparkly faith, gianormous 'head' and personal ambition were in the way of 'having eyes to see'. I can say in this moment with honest conviction that I am thankful for the current shift in my life and the season of great pain that has come with it. As a result, my spiritual vision has improved, bringing Jesus and His Kingdom into greater focus. I'm learning to see again...and this is good.

In my previous spiritual life, I carefully constructed an environment for myself that made it impossible for me to be open to the ideas and 'otherness' of people not exactly like me. I approached every relationship and experience through a super sensitive evangelical filter, allowing me to dismiss the spiritual, intellectual and philosophical ideas of others, making me feel quite confident and powerful. Sometimes I'd overwhelm a threatening person with a clever apologetic argument and other times when feeling more provoked, I'd level a hostile attack, perhaps on their character. I rarely, if ever extended the courtesy of honestly listening to those who were alarmingly different from me...determining ahead of time that "there was no value in doing so."

Closing the door on my involvement in more traditional models of Christianity, specifically conservative evangelicalism, has allowed me the freedom to relax a little bit (I have a long way to go here) and intentionally expose myself to the ideas and philosophies of people very different from me. It's only just recently that I am able to truly regard people...to accept them and even love them...for who they are without feeling pressure to try to change or convert them. I am more able to honestly and openly listen to them like they matter...and even more, listen as if I had something I could possibly learn from them or their lives. Today, I am thankful that the painful reshaping season of my life is promoting a greater freedom and willingness for me have ears to hear.

The devastation and disappointment of watching years of purpose driven, name it claim it Christian belief-ism vaporize before my eyes, while at the same time grieving the loss of one of my dearest friends (who died of a malignant brain tumor several weeks after I turned '40')...pretty much crushed my spirit and most of my faith in anything. Up until then...I was just flirting with questions and doubts out on the slippery slope and the absolute terror it represented to me. Not long after Kelly died, my husband Jim and I were "asked to find another church home" by our pastor because we were rocking the boat and not "all-in" enough. Right then, what little was left of my faith and joy...drained out of me...and I began my dizzying descent on the slippery slope, catatonic...yet securely in the proverbial 'hand basket to hell'.

My intense feelings of fear, doubt and anger embarrassed and horrified me. I had little experience dealing with these ugly raw emotions especially in connection to my faith. I never needed to. Prior to the train wreck of my faith...I kept it carefully polished and very shiny. For me, there never seemed to be an appropriate time to feel anything other than self control, poise and blessed assurance. Fortunately...providentially? Jim and I stumbled upon an Emergence Christianity Cohort faith community just about the time I was hitting rock-bottom. This small community of self imposed exiles were living out their faith together in the trenches of a messy spirituality. They endured my pain and confusion and comforted me. They listened to my questions, first validating and then encouraging me and through their friendships and personal stories, they gave me something I thought I had lost forever...HOPE.

I heard a podcast recently by Rob Bell in which remarked that "unless we have experienced great pain or grief, we'll never have the capacity to experience great joy." This statement gives me incredible hope as I emerge from the darker side of my spiritual journey. I want to believe I've walked through the hardest part already. (I hope) I feel much less sorrow and rage now than I did two years ago. I see light looming on the horizon...I anticipate a coming season of great joy...and I am thankful for that.