It's been one year since I formally left the institutional church. I am really sad and pissed that I am still struggling with what the hell happened and why? I don't understand how 34 years of life on the 'inside' unraveled so damn fast. I want to blame somebody...I wonder if it's my fault?
I am pissed that I wasn't smarter. I am sick inside that I was so damn gullible...I saw everything thru lenses that were handed to me by someone else...who got them from someone who got them from some seminary institution for higher learning...which make the theology 'air-tight'...
I am pissed that I held my tongue as often as I did out of fear of reproof and a coerced respect for those that I was taught to esteem as anointed and chosen to represent God. Now...I am almost certain that most of these 'men' (and a few women)are nothing more than self appointed zealots, pharisees and savvy business people with amazing marketing skills.
I hate that I haven't been able to move forward more quickly. I hate that I am still resentful regarding the words and actions (or lack there of) by toxic leaders in 'the church'...who have been careless with their responsibility as pastors, mentors, teachers and authorities representing the Gospel.
Lastly, I am despondent that much of what I have believed and held onto as 'truth' for much of my life as a "Christian" was nothing more than flimsy personal opinions...that I whole hearted believed...that caused me to be less than generous and kind towards 'outsiders' and people with incredible life struggles and issues that often prevent or hinder them from living the infamous yet mostly ambiguous "Victorious Christian Life"
I feel like I have been robbed and exploited. I seems like I have lost more than just a faith community and spiritual practices that I loved...I feel I have lost my dreams and a future of purpose and significance that I was promised as if it were a gospel truth. The culmination of these experiences have all but extinguished my faith in God...
Every single day is a fight...a giving and a taking...I am not at all convinced from one minute to the next...that all of this is going to turn out to be part of the plan...
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And with this post I added you to my google reader. Either I just love spiritual train wrecks and have a hard time looking away or I truly care about those brave enough to wrestle with the Father. Mostly, I think I love a story about a guy and a girl - or in this case a God and his daughter.
ReplyDeleteI am so thrilled that you stopped by...and that you are willing to leave a comment...It means alot. This is the blog post that started it all. Again, some days I feel like I have crossed over to the other side...that I am okay...but...then I slide right back into the 'dark night of the soul'. I wonder how I got here...I wonder if I did something wrong...or...if I did something right?
ReplyDeleteIt has been almost 3 years for us/me. I still ask the same questions(of wondering if I did something right/wrong) - just not as often anymore. I just found out in the process that God was not as concerned about it as I thought. He never ran away from me - sin or no sin - He never withdrew His love. Somedays I don't "feel" it like I was used to feeling it in my old church but now I even question if that were real too. I guess I just find Him in the strangest places but that is what I love so much about this whole thing.
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