Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.