Keepers

As I was writing my blog of despair (‘STUCK’) from my little pit a few days ago...I began to contemplate what if anything I gained from my life on the "inside" of the institutional church that could be classified as a 'keeper', you know, something of value...? I honestly do not want to remain camped out in bitterness and accusation forever so, I thought it might be valuable to rediscover the concrete things that I learned or was given 'back there' that I can take with me on my current journey beyond the boundaries of the traditional I.C.

( Clock ticks loudly in the back ground...as Jeopardy music replays over and over...)

After scouring my life in years from age 8 until just over a year ago (34+ years)...I have come to a rather unfortunate yet glaring reality. Very little of what I managed to absorb and internalize during my tenure as a brand name Christian, (with practically flawless attendance) adds up to little more than "wood, hay, and stubble" promised in scripture to be consumed as fuel for holy fire at my judgement. ( I Cor.3:12 ). In a lot of ways I feel the knowledge and practice I nurtured and polished while deeply commited to my spiritual way of life are as valuable to me right now as what I learned in high school almost 25 years ago. Philosophies, ideals and actions that are now only vaguely significant to real life. Seriously. What do I have ‘to show’ for the time I invested all of those busy, busy, busy church years not so long past? There must be something?


I gave this topic a great deal of thought. I shared my pondering with a few friends and family, many seemed perplexed by the idea altogether...One well meaning person assured me that I had certainly gained 'Jesus'...if nothing else, right? Of course! This seems obvious doesn't it? Yet, as I compare what I have learned of Jesus in this past year and what I knew prior...I wonder, just what 'Jesus' did I 'get'?

After several days of meditating on this thought process...I feel I can, with some trepidation, affirm five things, that remain central and have acted as the meager life preservers for my shipwrecked faith...Arguably a few of these "keepers" are standard orthodox treasures held by most followers of Jesus. These remain my spiritual legacy too but in all honesty have taken on new life and importance following the current trajectory of my faith. The other 'gems' are just truth that I have claimed and that continues to shape my life and current world view...but I owe the institution for teaching them to me! There are caveats with all five...that I may expound on at a later time...but for now...here’s what I know for sure.

1. The church introduced me to Jesus and gave me an understanding of Him as God and personal savior. Caveat: the message of the Gospel that most certainly motivated my ‘decision for Christ’ was the threat of hell and eternal punishment awaiting those who refuse to surrender their lives to this God.

2. The institution I called my church home for over 23 years provided me with a deep interest in and an above average proficiency in comprehending Scripture. Caveat: I eventually came to believe the Bible to be an owners manual,a blue print or the holy CC and R’s which had the effect of creating a Pharisaical tone in my life as evidenced by my uncanny ability to ‘cherry-pick’ the Law and use the “word-a-god’ to justify myself and judge others.

3. I was encouraged to embrace a strong sense of commitment to my church family, much like that of a covenant relationship, like marriage...going beyond simple one-sided surface interaction. Caveat: I learned rather unfortunately that like many marriages, my committed relationship to the church wasn’t always whole or holy causing both of us pain, confusion and disappointment.

4. The ‘purpose driven’ movement that was rampant in the evangelical church in the past 10-15 years helped me to identify and embrace my innate (God given?) Personality as well as my ‘spiritual and motivational’ gifts and talents. Caveat: pervasive teaching on the benefit and importance of uncovering unique spiritual markers (i.e. gifts, significance, identity, purpose and personality type) so I could recognize God’s BIG plan for me when it ‘manifested’...coupled with a healthy apetite for the "American Dream" and a growing case of narcissism, set me up for some pretty devastating disappointment regarding the direction of my life and future role in the church/vocational ministry.

5. Expectations are dangerous. Regardless of compelling appearances or impressive speech flowing from the mouths of leadership elite and those enjoying special celebrity status inside the church indicating other wise, every one of us remains a little (or a lot in some cases) broken, dysfunctional and potentially dangerous. ...During my last several years in the church as a burgeoning leader, I learned that men and women in the church,( including me) should be emulated only in as much as we follow ‘The Way of Jesus’ and reflect His Character and Love. Caveat: This lesson was worth more than I could have ever paid for it. I couldn’t have learned it a classroom at Seminary...or a weekend conference...it had to be experienced in all of it's ugliness and pain.

Perhaps I have missed something substantial...something I just can seem to 'see' anymore? The fact that it has take me 4 days to extract these few meaningful "keepers", rescued from 3 decades of complete emersion in the American church and it's culture...says a lot to me. As the caveats to each probably expose...these perspectives have not come through the process of exiting the institutional model of church without having some baggage attached that I am still shedding.

NO matter your relationship to the traditional church right now...what things can you claim as invaluable and timeless that will always be with you as you Journey on the Way of Jesus?

STUCK

It's been one year since I formally left the institutional church. I am really sad and pissed that I am still struggling with what the hell happened and why? I don't understand how 34 years of life on the 'inside' unraveled so damn fast. I want to blame somebody...I wonder if it's my fault?

I am pissed that I wasn't smarter. I am sick inside that I was so damn gullible...I saw everything thru lenses that were handed to me by someone else...who got them from someone who got them from some seminary institution for higher learning...which make the theology 'air-tight'...

I am pissed that I held my tongue as often as I did out of fear of reproof and a coerced respect for those that I was taught to esteem as anointed and chosen to represent God. Now...I am almost certain that most of these 'men' (and a few women)are nothing more than self appointed zealots, pharisees and savvy business people with amazing marketing skills.

I hate that I haven't been able to move forward more quickly. I hate that I am still resentful regarding the words and actions (or lack there of) by toxic leaders in 'the church'...who have been careless with their responsibility as pastors, mentors, teachers and authorities representing the Gospel.

Lastly, I am despondent that much of what I have believed and held onto as 'truth' for much of my life as a "Christian" was nothing more than flimsy personal opinions...that I whole hearted believed...that caused me to be less than generous and kind towards 'outsiders' and people with incredible life struggles and issues that often prevent or hinder them from living the infamous yet mostly ambiguous "Victorious Christian Life"

I feel like I have been robbed and exploited. I seems like I have lost more than just a faith community and spiritual practices that I loved...I feel I have lost my dreams and a future of purpose and significance that I was promised as if it were a gospel truth. The culmination of these experiences have all but extinguished my faith in God...

Every single day is a fight...a giving and a taking...I am not at all convinced from one minute to the next...that all of this is going to turn out to be part of the plan...

Expectation

A pretty awesome friend of mine, Kathy Escobar, http://kathyescobar.com/ graciously offered me an opportunity a week ago or so...to be a guest contributor for the online community, Communitas Collective, that she regularly writes for.
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If you know me...you know that while I dream of doing such things I freak the hell out when I am actually given a real live chance to 'write'. See, I have this nagging desire, but I doubt my ability to come up with anything that isn't completely incoherent...or hasn't already been said better before by someone more important.

Kathy assured me that the topic for this weeks article submission was "perfect for me". The word association was Expectation. She explained that I could write about my expectations having to do with church past, present and future and I should include the good...the bad and the ugly. I was excited.

She was right...after a lot of thought I realized I had a quite a bit to say about my personal experiences with expectations and church. In fact...as I hammered away, it was hard for me to keep my article under a 1000 words!

Beyond being validating, I think writing this ariticle was theraputic on many levels. 1) it forced me to take action because I had a deadline 2) It caused me to examine the cause and effect of "expectation" 3) Reliving my past...exposed my lack of real maturity in Christ and my performace based reality all those years in the IC and 4) it made me feel powerful exposing the lies and abuse that I endured by people who are supposed to know better.

You can read my article here: http://www.communitascollective.com/