I am continuing to expand on a few of the 5 spiritual "KEEPERS", or spiritual by-products I inherited from the institutional church of my past. These are specific truths I feel I can claim as having legitimate life giving and eternal value...even now, living as a sort of self-imposed exile on the ‘outside'. Each foundational truth has weathered a rather bitter divorce from my ‘traditional church’ days yet has resurfaced a little tattered and torn...but maybe more mature, humble and even more multidimensional as well...or at least I'd like to think so!
Previously in the blog “Re-Jesus”, I identified the most valuable truth I gained via the institution as "Jesus" Himself...but at the same time, I had to admit that the Jesus I came to know over the years seemed a little flat and one dimensional, nothing like the radical subversive Jesus I am becoming acquainted with today. And, to be authentic...I felt I had to expose some of the accompanying fluff that He previously came packaged with that I could no longer ascribe to. Some of those ideologies even became road-blocks that I believe kept me from truly knowing and following Jesus where he seemed to be going...beyond the walls of the church.
Next, in Community-Communitas...I shared the deep on-going feelings I have regarding community life within the context of the I.C. and beyond. I emphatically confess that my desire to be connected and committed to the people of God was first developed and nurtured in the Mega church I attended for 23 years...and for that I am forever grateful. My perspective about what community is and is not...has expanded and evolved into something similar but also entirely ‘other’ than before. This phenomenon is better understood by me today as "Communitas" which can be loosely defined as a conjoined life of mission going beyond creating community for community sake and is truly far more difficult and infinitely more rewarding.
In this blog titled WORD...I want to explore the Bible. However, this is where my journey becomes more precarious and the deconstruction of my past starts to get really messy and makes my head spin. Because of that, and the fact that I fear the fall-out of what I am about to say, I have been procrastinating. I have tried to just ignore the topic, pushing it out of my mind. But, I keep being drawn back, I start to write and then...I stop. Perplexed. Scared. Indifferent. Before I began this internal assignment, I surmised that what I would eventually produce here, wouldn’t amount to any more than incoherent yammerings which would probably not accurately represent my understanding or feelings on the same topic, even 6 months from now.
It's become obvious to me that one of the greatest obstacles for me to overcome while writing this piece in particular, is that nothing is really settled for me right now. I am still in a free fall of sorts even a whole year later. Lots of things are up for debate and redefining...nothing is totally concrete...not even my grasp of the BIBLE.At the moment, my entire life is a paradigm shift! I think it’s worthwhile to mention, the current religious and political climate pervasive in our country right now, adds to my disconnect and overall lack of desire to maintain or protect what I once thought I knew for sure and treasured above all, my certainty about my Christian faith and my “Biblical World view.”
For some, that kind of ambiguity, confusion and flat out blasphemy is probably setting off all kinds of internal evangelical heresy alarms... believe me, I know! I grimace, remembering what I used to think and say about ‘people like me’ too. I remember the judgements and allegations I handed out with such conviction and superiority. However, the truth is, today...right this minute... I am deeply bothered by the Bible on so many levels. Bothered by how easy it is for debased people (wolves in sheep’s clothing I suppose)to arrive at zealous and dangerous Biblical interpretations and applications like this jackass(http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/page5.html) I’m bothered when I am emphatically told that The Word of God ‘clearly says’ this or that...when it isn’t especially clear to me at all (at least in ways it once was) I’m bothered by the contextual complexities, bothered by the problem of trying to read the Bible for personal revelation without having a tremendous amount of back knowledge to allow for “rightly dividing the truth’...and more than ever...I am bothered by being expected to receive as inerrant and infallible, the popular ‘orthodox theology’ of boisterous ultra conservative Christianity as it pertains to the Holy Bible Ironically none of this bothered me when I was a self-imposed expert on all things “Biblical” but...that has all since changed out here on the slippery slope.
At some point in my life, the Bible became a bunch of tidy and trite cliches,...a text book, a blue print, a 'prescription’ for moral living, an owner’s manual, a road map and the Holy CC&R's if you will, easily providing me with just the 'right' answers for any given situation. Beyond being used for personal guidance and enrichment...it often became something that I could use to serve myself, proving my theological estuteness and undermining the ideas and convictions of others. It kills me to admit now that during my most unbending conservative season of life inside the I.C...I used the Bible to fuel heated debates as well as a weapon to help me win arguments regarding complex moral and theological quandaries. SIDE NOTE: I absolve the church of imputing to me such a disdainful character flaw; I confess that I quite likely found my way into that pit on my very own volition...call it a symptom of modernism...dualistic thinking ...or just plain ol’sin...I cannot hold the church accountable for any of that crap ...for sure!
Right this moment...the idea of the Bible as infallible and inerrant, especially as interpreted by fragile humans with finite minds like my own or by those in positions of power...has suffered the greatest degree of scrutiny in my struggle to properly reposition the Bible in my life. Again...I digress, I am fully aware of how bad this all sounds...and frankly...I am pretty sure it is as bad as it sounds. But, despite no longer being confident in a particular set of standardized statements that have been slated to define scriptural absolutes for all time...(ironically set forth by men who believed the earth was the center of the universe and flat as a flannel-board)...the Bible remains for me foundationally unique...and inescapably necessary...although much more mysterious and frustrating than ever before.
"It could be said that each reader of the Bible reads with personal blinders...Too often the Bible is simpley a tool we use to confirm ideas we already hold. There's scarcely a more theologically distructive habit." ~Brian Sanders, Life After Church
Believing the above statement to be fundamentally true does make me more cynical and perhaps more skeptical over all. But...it has also liberated me and provided me freedom to wrestle with my Biblical uncertainties in ways I was never encouraged to before, without pressure to arrive at the exact same conclusions as the masses . Irefutable ideologies crafted by seminarians that I would at one time swallow whole...I am now chewing on for a hell of a lot longer and spitting out a lot more bones. I have had no shortage of people warning me that I will eventually find the Bible of little value and view it as a mere fairytale. Yet interestingly, unlike the warnings I received, I'm noticing that rather than conclude the Bible to be irrelivant and unimportant, I have developed a new passion for many aspects of it that went largely undeveloped or minimized before...like the Gospels of Jesus and the writings of some of the more obscure minor prophets.
Reading the Bible today is an etirely differnt experience for me. My motivation is not the same. Rather than using it to prove to myself and others that I am ultimately correct in my understanding of it, I find myself more willing to go to scripture for personal inspiration, in a posture to learn and with a lot more humility. I have delighted in reading old stories, especially the Jesus stories in brand new and fresh ways...made alive by their cultural and historical contexts and much less baggage. And, I am fortunate to be a part of a collective of people who are embarking on a similar journey. Together we are reorienting ourselves to the WORD of God and rediscovering the timeless wisdom, inspired truth and the mystery that deepens our individual and collective faith.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Community-Communitas
This is another spin off blog from an earlier post entitled "Keepers". In that blog piece, I extricated five eternally valuable truths and concepts that the Institutional Church provided and taught me for nearly 4 decades. As I mentioned previously...this was to be an exercise for me in positive thinking and gratitude...maybe that's why it was a challenge right out of the gate? Ha.
That said...there were complications, in my mind, with each of my particular spiritual ‘finds’. In my earlier blog, I referred to those things as “caveats", or ‘red-flags’ I suppose. While not insurmountable issues, I think they are worth honest examination. AND...before I go any further... I think it’s also important for me to acknowledge that my epiphany in this regard, is not an indictment entirely against the church...but also a confession of my own ignorance and the realization that maybe the evangelical mega church environment wasn’t the most healthy for me...I am certain that scads of people follow similar spiritual paths with completely different experiences, culminating in more positive and life-giving results.
Anyhow...moving on!
Beyond meeting Jesus in and through the traditional church...I also inherited a strong sense of commitment to my church family which went far beyond simple surface interactions common at Sunday morning worship services. Twenty-three plus years attending 'one single church' was probably the most valuable experience I had in learning to relate to and be committed to a community of faith in good times and bad. In my humble opinion, commitment to intimate ( aka messy ) relationships with one another...almost anywhere in our society...is a 'lost art'. Our Christian culture is no different than secular America, so consumer driven, that it is uncommon for people to stay in a job, neighborhood or church for more than a few years before becoming bored or offended and walking away.
Like other Mega churches of the 80's and 90's, the Mega church I attended during those years became rather proactive in developing small group fellowships. Leadership began to recognized that despite offering engaging worship services and a smorgasbord of weekly programming...people weren’t connecting to other people and simply didn’t stick around for long...The front door of the building was open but the 'figurative' back door never seemed to close either...in response, a huge internal movement of 'community' became the church's primary vision and a cultural catch-phrase.
My sense of spiritual community certainly began to develop during a church initiated ‘community-revival’...but not without many disappointing and unfortunate experiences along the way. In fact, I noticed rather quickly, as others did, that home-groups or life-groups that attempted to connect people via proximal suburban demographics, with only our 'home' church in common, were barely viable after a few months...as were the communities formed out of a sense of duty or obligation to the church mission statement or membership requirements. Both of these common scenarios felt forced and creepy...and at times ended badly. People would bail out, leaving others feeling abandoned; or commence fighting over complicated subjects like politics and theology which often led to angry allegations. It wouldn't be long before people were leaving the group or church pissed off, ironically, with severed or damaged relationships in their wake.
Over the years and especially as a young married and new parent...I quickly learned to crave and place a very high priority on a personal practice of faith based community out of my intrinsic need for support and camaraderie. The Small groups I experienced birthed from organic relationships, unique seasons of life or life crisis...seemed to have the most longevity and 'people' retention...but they were all too often ingrown and closed to outsiders or new people. Parenting, marriage and recovery groups offered environments with an almost instant sense of like-minded connectedness...but...were breeding grounds for elitism, exclusivity and even dysfunction. Even though I was a committed member in a few of these 'life-groups'...that kind of community was always a turn off to me. Author Michael Frost, in his book 'Exiles', remarked that communities like these are an end in themselves...rather than a means to an end.
Eventually I began to question the value of life-group communities. On the one hand I knew I needed intimacy and connectedness with the people of God that I couldn't get at a weekend church experience...but...at the same time I was growing tired of the myopic focus of these types of groups as well. One of the last groups I attended...studied the book of James at least 3 times in a year and a half. No kidding. I suppose not surprisingly, life-groups often took on the distinct personalities of the 'leaders'. The more melancholy, pious and self censoring, incessantly focusing on "sin in the camp"...while the more sanguine fun lovers...avoiding spiritual depth all together. Interestingly, I began to recognize that the only time I felt truly alive and connected in any small group after awhile, was during outward focused service projects and missional living.
It was only after leaving the Institutional church behind...that I encountered a different kind of community...identified by those who study these things as Communitas. Communitas may have many of the same characteristics as a community...( discipleship, encouragement, safety etc) with a few very important nuances. Rather than community for community sake to satisfy a requirement or need for personal support...
"Communitas is a community infused with a grand sense of purpose; a purpose that lies outside of its current internal reality and Constitution. It's the kind of community that 'happens' to people in actual pursuit of a common vision of what 'could be'. It involves movement and it describes the experience of togetherness that only really happens among a group of people actually engaging in a mission outside itself." ~ Alan Hirsch, The Forgotten Ways
I never even considered leaving community behind when I left the I.C I knew going it alone was not an option. In fact...prior to turning the page on that chapter of my life...I had already began to invest in a small group of people...self imposed exiles...attempting to live as authentic followers of Jesus outside the traditional institutionalized expression of Christianity. We shared common experiences and familiar dreams of what the body of Christ could really be and do in the world today. For many...like me...emotions were raw and spilled out...others who had already blazed this liminal(transitional state) offered encouragement and hope that sustained me through darker days.
Today in my communitas we dialogue and wrestle with concepts and theology we were never able to in our past lives...we talk and eat and drink great home-brewed beer! We attempt to experience new spiritual practice we may have formerly avoided or abandoned. Rather than emphatically confess concrete spiritual opinions we confess we don't know half of what we once thought we did and we don't need to have all the answers. We know we undeniably need each other and we do not exist to serve ourselves...but to live as the hands, feet and pocketbook of Jesus Christ...taking every opportunity to be the church.
I am not at all where I thought I'd be once upon a time...but I freely admit...I wouldn't go back to where I came from or reestablish any of the pseudo-communities of my past. It's true that it's way harder out here...not something that can easily be grasped, at least for me...Old habits and expectations are hard to let go of. A few old friends aren't sure if I've lost my salvation...and let me know it. However, I believe my current experiences have been and will continue to be transformative as I attempt to live a life as a Follower of Jesus.
That said...there were complications, in my mind, with each of my particular spiritual ‘finds’. In my earlier blog, I referred to those things as “caveats", or ‘red-flags’ I suppose. While not insurmountable issues, I think they are worth honest examination. AND...before I go any further... I think it’s also important for me to acknowledge that my epiphany in this regard, is not an indictment entirely against the church...but also a confession of my own ignorance and the realization that maybe the evangelical mega church environment wasn’t the most healthy for me...I am certain that scads of people follow similar spiritual paths with completely different experiences, culminating in more positive and life-giving results.
Anyhow...moving on!
Beyond meeting Jesus in and through the traditional church...I also inherited a strong sense of commitment to my church family which went far beyond simple surface interactions common at Sunday morning worship services. Twenty-three plus years attending 'one single church' was probably the most valuable experience I had in learning to relate to and be committed to a community of faith in good times and bad. In my humble opinion, commitment to intimate ( aka messy ) relationships with one another...almost anywhere in our society...is a 'lost art'. Our Christian culture is no different than secular America, so consumer driven, that it is uncommon for people to stay in a job, neighborhood or church for more than a few years before becoming bored or offended and walking away.
Like other Mega churches of the 80's and 90's, the Mega church I attended during those years became rather proactive in developing small group fellowships. Leadership began to recognized that despite offering engaging worship services and a smorgasbord of weekly programming...people weren’t connecting to other people and simply didn’t stick around for long...The front door of the building was open but the 'figurative' back door never seemed to close either...in response, a huge internal movement of 'community' became the church's primary vision and a cultural catch-phrase.
My sense of spiritual community certainly began to develop during a church initiated ‘community-revival’...but not without many disappointing and unfortunate experiences along the way. In fact, I noticed rather quickly, as others did, that home-groups or life-groups that attempted to connect people via proximal suburban demographics, with only our 'home' church in common, were barely viable after a few months...as were the communities formed out of a sense of duty or obligation to the church mission statement or membership requirements. Both of these common scenarios felt forced and creepy...and at times ended badly. People would bail out, leaving others feeling abandoned; or commence fighting over complicated subjects like politics and theology which often led to angry allegations. It wouldn't be long before people were leaving the group or church pissed off, ironically, with severed or damaged relationships in their wake.
Over the years and especially as a young married and new parent...I quickly learned to crave and place a very high priority on a personal practice of faith based community out of my intrinsic need for support and camaraderie. The Small groups I experienced birthed from organic relationships, unique seasons of life or life crisis...seemed to have the most longevity and 'people' retention...but they were all too often ingrown and closed to outsiders or new people. Parenting, marriage and recovery groups offered environments with an almost instant sense of like-minded connectedness...but...were breeding grounds for elitism, exclusivity and even dysfunction. Even though I was a committed member in a few of these 'life-groups'...that kind of community was always a turn off to me. Author Michael Frost, in his book 'Exiles', remarked that communities like these are an end in themselves...rather than a means to an end.
Eventually I began to question the value of life-group communities. On the one hand I knew I needed intimacy and connectedness with the people of God that I couldn't get at a weekend church experience...but...at the same time I was growing tired of the myopic focus of these types of groups as well. One of the last groups I attended...studied the book of James at least 3 times in a year and a half. No kidding. I suppose not surprisingly, life-groups often took on the distinct personalities of the 'leaders'. The more melancholy, pious and self censoring, incessantly focusing on "sin in the camp"...while the more sanguine fun lovers...avoiding spiritual depth all together. Interestingly, I began to recognize that the only time I felt truly alive and connected in any small group after awhile, was during outward focused service projects and missional living.
It was only after leaving the Institutional church behind...that I encountered a different kind of community...identified by those who study these things as Communitas. Communitas may have many of the same characteristics as a community...( discipleship, encouragement, safety etc) with a few very important nuances. Rather than community for community sake to satisfy a requirement or need for personal support...
"Communitas is a community infused with a grand sense of purpose; a purpose that lies outside of its current internal reality and Constitution. It's the kind of community that 'happens' to people in actual pursuit of a common vision of what 'could be'. It involves movement and it describes the experience of togetherness that only really happens among a group of people actually engaging in a mission outside itself." ~ Alan Hirsch, The Forgotten Ways
I never even considered leaving community behind when I left the I.C I knew going it alone was not an option. In fact...prior to turning the page on that chapter of my life...I had already began to invest in a small group of people...self imposed exiles...attempting to live as authentic followers of Jesus outside the traditional institutionalized expression of Christianity. We shared common experiences and familiar dreams of what the body of Christ could really be and do in the world today. For many...like me...emotions were raw and spilled out...others who had already blazed this liminal(transitional state) offered encouragement and hope that sustained me through darker days.
Today in my communitas we dialogue and wrestle with concepts and theology we were never able to in our past lives...we talk and eat and drink great home-brewed beer! We attempt to experience new spiritual practice we may have formerly avoided or abandoned. Rather than emphatically confess concrete spiritual opinions we confess we don't know half of what we once thought we did and we don't need to have all the answers. We know we undeniably need each other and we do not exist to serve ourselves...but to live as the hands, feet and pocketbook of Jesus Christ...taking every opportunity to be the church.
I am not at all where I thought I'd be once upon a time...but I freely admit...I wouldn't go back to where I came from or reestablish any of the pseudo-communities of my past. It's true that it's way harder out here...not something that can easily be grasped, at least for me...Old habits and expectations are hard to let go of. A few old friends aren't sure if I've lost my salvation...and let me know it. However, I believe my current experiences have been and will continue to be transformative as I attempt to live a life as a Follower of Jesus.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
RE-Jesus
Its official...I am not warming up to this blog thing as well as I had hoped. I just can't seem to get past the notion that any of my incessant analyzing and deconstructing of my past life in the institutional church really matters much. I have no inspiration to offer or light to shed on the subject...at least...not yet...and I'm not sure what the point is! One minute I am passionately constructing a new blog post and in the next moment I delete it vowing to never write again...This particular blog has been one of those experiences. However, there are a few pesky people in my life( you know who you are!)...who provoke me and push me to keep writing and exploring, perhaps believing it will ultimately be therapeutic for me...so...here I am once again.
In my previous post, "Keepers", I attempted to extricate truths and philosophies I could carry with me beyond the boundaries of the traditional evangelical church scene. I began that exercise hoping it would create a diversion for me from what tends to be a mostly negative perspective at times (laced with lament and emotional scab picking) of all things church-y. Recently, in a rare moment of positive energy I decided to survey decades of evangelical-charismatic orthodoxy and spiritual lessons, which I accumulated for over 38 years like badges on an AWANA vest.. What I ended up with was surprising. After days of contemplation... I was only able to identify five things I could say were of any real substance.
It took some serious investigating but one ‘badge’ stood out...I’ll call it my ‘ Jesus Badge’. It marked the day when I “gave my life to Christ” in a summer V.B.S. By far the oldest of my personal spiritual mile stones, it had somehow become the most over shadowed, buried beneath my own accomplishments, rights of passage, future expectations and, as it turns out, some incomplete and possibly damaging ideologies as well.
I can’t say for sure what my relationship to Jesus would have looked like if I would have met Him in a Catholic church, a Mennonite church or the Salvation Army, because I met Jesus in an evangelical (covertly charismatic) Methodist church during a “Born Again” revival that was sweeping the American church landscape in the early 1970's. What I remember from those days is scarce. Maybe it was because I was so young (8 yrs old) but getting to know Jesus and how to live like him, took a back seat to things like going to church, attending Sunday School, reciting memory work, and dominating at ‘sword drills’. Jesus saved me from hell...and remained virtually one dimensional and flat just like his flannel board character on Sunday morning for years after.
When I was sixteen, my family left our quasi charismatic Methodist church behind for the real deal... A full gospel charismatic evangelical church... By then I had been a Christian for 8 years. I knew the books of the Bible and all of the major flannel board Bible stories. I found I had a knack for apologetics and reveled in opportunities to challenge anyone with a different faith or world view than my own. Not surprising, the Jesus I came to know over the next several decades may have been someone academic (for the 80's) like Josh McDowell. I imagined that He, (Jesus) placed a high priority on being able to present Christianity in a concise logical format...quashing any lingering doubts and converting unbelievers to a concrete systematic orthodoxy.
My ultra conservative convictions developed quickly and were in full bloom by the time I reached my young adult years. It was in this decade that I came to *almost* believe Jesus was a republican (for-reals)... or that at the very least He exclusively endorsed that particular party’s agenda. After getting married and having children, Jesus manifested as a sort of ‘super’ Dr. James Dobson...It was my firm conviction that His priority was for me to get my ‘priorities right’...focus on my marriage...my family and my finances. My on-going goal in life at that time was self- censorship and personal sin management along with measuring my spiritual maturity by things like daily devotions and time per day spent in prayer ( which incidentally...I sucked at both!) I felt a strong sense that Jesus expected authentic followers of His to avoid the dangers of worldliness, like going to rated R movies, pursuing relationships with unbelievers and listening to secular music of any kind. The Jesus of that era of my life would have avoided people, places and things that did not have a figurative “approved for conservative evangelical” label on it.
To be honest....I must admit that on occasion...I did have brief glimpses of a different Jesus inside the church. I observed Him on the peripheries thru the focus ministry projects of ‘outreach’ staff. I noticed that this Jesus felt comfortable with and even desired the company of ‘outsiders’ and ‘marginalized’ people. He wasn’t worried about being defiled by their worldliness. When missionaries came to visit...I saw a Jesus who still cared about the poor and oppressed and motivated me to take action on their behalf.. But, this Jesus quickly faded from memory until someone else exposed Him again. That Jesus was alive and had flesh...He made a real difference in a screwed up, hurting world...which actually excited me. He was interesting , colorful and multi-dimensional...more compelling than the one dimensional flannel board Jesus I had known. Unlike the Jesus from my childhood that I felt I had to perform for...I felt like this ‘other’ Jesus already ‘dug’ me and wanted me to join Him in changing the world...beyond the comfort of the Institution.
As I began to pursue more encounters with incarnate missional Jesus...I began to realized that He didn’t hang out much in the churches I was a part of. I questioned that observation and the responses of those on the ‘inside’ left me disappointed and unsatisfied. The Jesus of my past was getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as I developed a compulsion to learn more about and embody more clearly, the Jesus I read of in His Gospels. Encouraged, I found new books to read, and newness to old stories. I found new groups of people who ironically had similar experiences as my own and today we are sojourners...followers of God in the Way of Jesus.
Today... I am grateful to the institution for introducing me to Jesus as a child and for providing me with spiritual formation and community. However, I am also thankful for a different perspective and a renewed interested in Jesus I have discovered on the outside. I believe this relationship will continue to unfold and develop as well as frustrate and elude me for the rest of my natural life. Rather than feeling like I have faith and Jesus and the church nailed down...I feel like I am starting from scratch...I am learning to embrace a bigger vision for myself, the church and the world we live in.
In my previous post, "Keepers", I attempted to extricate truths and philosophies I could carry with me beyond the boundaries of the traditional evangelical church scene. I began that exercise hoping it would create a diversion for me from what tends to be a mostly negative perspective at times (laced with lament and emotional scab picking) of all things church-y. Recently, in a rare moment of positive energy I decided to survey decades of evangelical-charismatic orthodoxy and spiritual lessons, which I accumulated for over 38 years like badges on an AWANA vest.. What I ended up with was surprising. After days of contemplation... I was only able to identify five things I could say were of any real substance.
It took some serious investigating but one ‘badge’ stood out...I’ll call it my ‘ Jesus Badge’. It marked the day when I “gave my life to Christ” in a summer V.B.S. By far the oldest of my personal spiritual mile stones, it had somehow become the most over shadowed, buried beneath my own accomplishments, rights of passage, future expectations and, as it turns out, some incomplete and possibly damaging ideologies as well.
I can’t say for sure what my relationship to Jesus would have looked like if I would have met Him in a Catholic church, a Mennonite church or the Salvation Army, because I met Jesus in an evangelical (covertly charismatic) Methodist church during a “Born Again” revival that was sweeping the American church landscape in the early 1970's. What I remember from those days is scarce. Maybe it was because I was so young (8 yrs old) but getting to know Jesus and how to live like him, took a back seat to things like going to church, attending Sunday School, reciting memory work, and dominating at ‘sword drills’. Jesus saved me from hell...and remained virtually one dimensional and flat just like his flannel board character on Sunday morning for years after.
When I was sixteen, my family left our quasi charismatic Methodist church behind for the real deal... A full gospel charismatic evangelical church... By then I had been a Christian for 8 years. I knew the books of the Bible and all of the major flannel board Bible stories. I found I had a knack for apologetics and reveled in opportunities to challenge anyone with a different faith or world view than my own. Not surprising, the Jesus I came to know over the next several decades may have been someone academic (for the 80's) like Josh McDowell. I imagined that He, (Jesus) placed a high priority on being able to present Christianity in a concise logical format...quashing any lingering doubts and converting unbelievers to a concrete systematic orthodoxy.
My ultra conservative convictions developed quickly and were in full bloom by the time I reached my young adult years. It was in this decade that I came to *almost* believe Jesus was a republican (for-reals)... or that at the very least He exclusively endorsed that particular party’s agenda. After getting married and having children, Jesus manifested as a sort of ‘super’ Dr. James Dobson...It was my firm conviction that His priority was for me to get my ‘priorities right’...focus on my marriage...my family and my finances. My on-going goal in life at that time was self- censorship and personal sin management along with measuring my spiritual maturity by things like daily devotions and time per day spent in prayer ( which incidentally...I sucked at both!) I felt a strong sense that Jesus expected authentic followers of His to avoid the dangers of worldliness, like going to rated R movies, pursuing relationships with unbelievers and listening to secular music of any kind. The Jesus of that era of my life would have avoided people, places and things that did not have a figurative “approved for conservative evangelical” label on it.
To be honest....I must admit that on occasion...I did have brief glimpses of a different Jesus inside the church. I observed Him on the peripheries thru the focus ministry projects of ‘outreach’ staff. I noticed that this Jesus felt comfortable with and even desired the company of ‘outsiders’ and ‘marginalized’ people. He wasn’t worried about being defiled by their worldliness. When missionaries came to visit...I saw a Jesus who still cared about the poor and oppressed and motivated me to take action on their behalf.. But, this Jesus quickly faded from memory until someone else exposed Him again. That Jesus was alive and had flesh...He made a real difference in a screwed up, hurting world...which actually excited me. He was interesting , colorful and multi-dimensional...more compelling than the one dimensional flannel board Jesus I had known. Unlike the Jesus from my childhood that I felt I had to perform for...I felt like this ‘other’ Jesus already ‘dug’ me and wanted me to join Him in changing the world...beyond the comfort of the Institution.
As I began to pursue more encounters with incarnate missional Jesus...I began to realized that He didn’t hang out much in the churches I was a part of. I questioned that observation and the responses of those on the ‘inside’ left me disappointed and unsatisfied. The Jesus of my past was getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as I developed a compulsion to learn more about and embody more clearly, the Jesus I read of in His Gospels. Encouraged, I found new books to read, and newness to old stories. I found new groups of people who ironically had similar experiences as my own and today we are sojourners...followers of God in the Way of Jesus.
Today... I am grateful to the institution for introducing me to Jesus as a child and for providing me with spiritual formation and community. However, I am also thankful for a different perspective and a renewed interested in Jesus I have discovered on the outside. I believe this relationship will continue to unfold and develop as well as frustrate and elude me for the rest of my natural life. Rather than feeling like I have faith and Jesus and the church nailed down...I feel like I am starting from scratch...I am learning to embrace a bigger vision for myself, the church and the world we live in.
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