WHY CONVERGENCE ?

There was a time in my former life, that I anxiously awaited the tour dates of a few ‘brand-name’ annual women’s conference events that made stops in Phoenix, where I live..I attended one or two of these events every single year without exception for probably an entire decade...In those days...descriptive words like ‘Virtue’, ‘Purpose-Driven’, ‘Extravagant’ or ‘Proverbs 31' coupled in some manner with the word “ WOMAN” captivated me... motivating me to rally my girlfriends to accompany me to these intentional and highly stylized events...

Right now I confess...as meaningful and engaging as those conferences were for me at the time...it’s extremely hard for me to be excited...let alone generous, when it comes to celebrating my ‘previous’ life as a compulsive evangelical Christian woman...I do not doubt that my attitude in this regard is unattractive...but the truth is, at this moment I struggle to connect meaning to most things that once were the highlight of my spiritual practice. The fact that my life today has completely derailed from the conservative evangelical tracks and looks absolutely nothing like it once did, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the messages and ideals celebrated and projected from the name-brand conference circuit or the elite women on the platform...is identifiably one of my greatest sources of pain and confusion.

It’s a long story...alluded to in past blog posts...but in a nutshell revolves around dashed expectations and painful breakups between the church and I. I don’t really understand it all myself...I am embarrassed to admit it but the key-note speakers of those past conferences and retreats once represented everything I longed for and thought I was called to be and have...Besides a ‘fuller’ relationship with God, achieving eventual impeccable spiritual maturity and moral character...I looked forward to becoming more polished and confident in myself and protecting, at all costs, an unwavering belief that God would eventually unfurl a BIG purpose and plan for my future at any moment...I held my breath. I believed. I waited and waited and waited.....

Five years and a crushing spiritual crisis later can have a profound affect on perspective...in fact, from my current vantage point, it seems impossible to me now that those women’s events (or any women’s event for that matter)...in all of their celebrated pageantry, could ever become catalysts for life altering spiritual experiences, buoying faith during the most challenging seasons of life for a single, a young married, a mother or church leader...but they do for so many women and they did for me too long ago..and I need to acknowledge that.

Even on a good day it's painfully obvious to me (and others)...that I am barely on the healthier side of what has been a debilitating crisis of faith...My evangelical-spirit-filled-purpose-driven-bubble was blown to freaking bits...leaving virtually nothing in tact...except for maybe a very teeny-tiny-barely-breathing desire to follow Jesus and also to be in relationship with and inspired by a community of strong faithful women. Sometimes even now, I almost believe I can feel a thready pulse on a few of my old dreams of purpose...but finding opportunities or outlets to experience this beyond the traditional institutional church is damn near impossible for me, not only logistically here in Phoenix...but also because of my cynical/heretical condition...I don't believe much anymore.. Nothing about those ‘other' on-going women’s conferences feels authentic or enticing to me in this place...and until recently, I’ve never come across any good alternatives.

A few months ago, I was invited to attend an obscure event for women interested Leadership...'Christian Leadership'...happening in the Portland area in March...I was immediately intrigued and repelled by the idea at the same time. All my fear of encountering anything remotely similar to my former 'church-y' conference experiences (especially involving THE "L"-WORD) was panic inducing...and *almost* won out over my curiosity and desire to reestablish new practice and tradition in my life. Fortunately, a couple of my lovely trusted women friends and virtual acquaintances assured me that if I was brave enough to go...I would appreciate, grow and even ENJOY my time there in the company of powerful yet unconventional women who are leading in the Way of Jesus...I conceded and secured my registration.

The event was in Portland making it an instant hit for a lifelong desert dweller like me. I could go on and on about the venue...the nearly 100 year old, 73 acre rambling property bursting with all varieties of flowering trees, shrubs and quaint gardens, Once a poor-farm during the depression...the main structure now flaunts beautiful yet gaudy 'Monte Python-esque' art work on walls, niches and every guest room door...mostly portraits of the previous residents and scenic Oregon country side. So creative and odd...but absolutely stunning; perfect imagery for this unique Convergence of women.

Unlike so many of my previous experiences with events specifically marketed towards ‘women’...I couldn’t help but notice there was NO fluff...or froof...or wedding-y-princess-y, dainty tea party-ish...or diva themed decorations
...anywhere...PRAISEGOD!
The conference room itself was brilliant without much fuss. Art-deco in design and boasting the most glorious mural that spanned an entire wall, floor to ceiling...depicting the simple unhindered life on the 'poor-farm' during the depression...The dozen or so tables were adorned with unassuming artifacts and antiques stuffed to over-flowing with all varieties of live plants...An old boot with a fern inside...a miniature herb garden inside an old dresser drawer; it was clever...but beyond that...it communicated to me an absolute truth that life is incorrigible and beauty and growth can come from or be contained in the most ‘unexpected’ things and places (and people)...a powerful theme for the weekend!

The most obvious and refreshing difference between Convergence and countless other women's LEADERSHIP events I’ve attended personally...was the women themselves. Diverse...unassuming...free...natural...make-up was optional for sure...What Liberty! Many women nonchalantly exposed their elaborate, colorful artistic tattoo's that told stories of transformation...there were some with body piercings...gauged ears...dreads...bandanas...and creatively-layered-recycled- clothing...A couple of artsy women furiously knitted socks, scarves and the like practically non-stop throughout the entire weekend. Some pretty pedestrian ladies were representing too. There were the more blendy P.T.O mom-types (like me) and of course the beautiful sage grammas exuding their wisdom, all equally valuable pieces of the mosaic...I felt completely comfortable and welcome..like I really belonged.

I don't want to go off on a tangent about appearances but...I have to qualify why this is significant to me...Having spent over 25 years in a homogeneous upper-end Christian fellowship...I can say beyond-a-shadow-of-doubt that 97% of the women who attended Convergence would have NEVER...EVER...in a million years have been chosen for positions of leadership...or given a 'visible' platform of any kind in past churches I’ve been affiliated with...based almost exclusively on their 'appearance'...and what that might infer about their character. It was immediately clear that the convergence women obviously didn't get the memo about tatts, piercings...and business casual...(or liberal use of the 'swears')as possibly being deterrents for leadership.(o: I know that a few...like me...were once told

..."it's not that you aren't capable...it's just you don't have the 'character"

...read: you don't dress and talk like we need you to...you're a little too real and rough around the edges...YOU are a Leadership liability...too risky.

I love that they LEAD ANYWAY...with or without approval or permission!

Lastly I was struck and challenged by the theme explored at Convergence 2010..."Women Leading in the Way of Jesus". Leadership is an extremely uncomfortable topic for me lately...so much so that I nearly chose not to attend the conference and once there and seriously debated if I could even participate in one specific break-out group where the topic was exclusively related to personal experience with leadership. (This may be a WHOLE blog post in itself) It was obvious from the first 5 minutes of the conference, that Convergence would be very different in it's approach to leadership and the whole conference mentality...In fact, unlike the pop-culture model I am used to...the leadership at Convergence was understated, most notably...there were NO key-note speakers or celebrity personalities that the whole gig hinged on! Instead...several very humble and diverse wise women directed our discussions...handing it over to the participants almost exclusively...allowing us to interact with each other...to discover, minister to and support our sisters in and through our unique journey's of faith...it left so much 'room' for the spirit of God to be present and to speak...I LEARNED SO MUCH and I am still processing.

There is so much more I could expound on here about my experience at Convergence...I could ramble on for at least 7 more paragraphs...I want to talk about the ladies I met...their stories of physical, emotional and spiritual healing and survival...about their effervescent spirits...about their incredible personal accomplishments and ministries many 'obscure' by old standards...I want to expound on their sobriety...their innate strength and the power they possess and willingly give away...I want to talk more about their empathy and ability to love. This after all...is what qualifies them to be "Women Leading in The Way of Jesus!"
More to come...

SPIRITUAL SH*T-SANDWICH

There's a subtle yet undeniable force at work in the world, whether one chooses to acknowledge it or not, The 'Law of Cause & Effect' or more simply getting what you give. Some people call it Karma...others call it sowing and reaping or even living by the Golden Rule. It's a universal truism and no one religion or people group has the corner market on it...It's always at work everywhere and it's a beautiful thing...most of the time.

In its most obvious form it may manifest on a BIG grocery shopping day, when you have 137 items in your cart and reluctantly notice the gramma behind you, clutching a can of 'chunk light tuna' in one hand and a package of toilet paper in the other, sensing her impatience and urgency you are compelled to give-up your place in line...to her. Now, it's also true that you may "do unto others as you would have done unto you" many times over before the glorious day arrives that someone generously concedes their place in line to you... Ah But eventually it does happen and in those moments faith in humanity as well as in the beauty of sowing and reaping is revitalized.

However, beyond a few very pedestrian examples of "Karma come-back" unfolding daily, I have recently become aware of a bonus 'spiritual law' at work in my life...As far as I can tell...it's sole purpose seems to be to specifically help me 'keep it real'. Reminding me over and over that I see through a darkened glass (like limo tint) when it comes to truly knowing the depths of myself and understanding my own motives and actions.

In my life this phenomena is irreverently referred to by me as the "spiritual sh*t-sandwich", Irrefutably recognized as a unique hand-crafted 'situation or circumstance' served up I believe, by God almighty himself ...in order to expose and hopefully correct my hypocrisy, lack of love and arrogant egotism. I'm never exactly sure where and when a 'big-one' will get served...but statistically as I survey the past 5 years of my life, I can see definite connections to the times I've indignantly chosen to stand against a person, circumstance or idea...intending to label them/it as damned or at the very least unacceptable and wrong...which always involves passing judgement with overwhelming self-righteousness thru 'loveless' lenses of my limited perspective and tainted knowledge.

The Spiritual Sh*t sandwich...sure...it's a crass title for a spiritual law...but listen people, I've tried my best to keep the swears to a minimum here until now. For those who know me personally this is no easy task. This is one blog that cannot be sterilized for the delicate pallet... it is what it is. Now, just in case butter doesn't melt in your mouth or you've recently disposed of all your potty mouth friends after another careful study of the book of James...perhaps a few definitions regarding this spiritual phenomena would be helpful:

First, a spiritual sh*t-sandwich is not the typical everyday-variety sh*t-sandwich...While those can have a spiritual dimension depending on the topic matter...I find they are more simply the occasions when I confidently assert my assurance of an innocuous 'fact' or body of knowledge...only to find out almost immediately that I was completely and totally wrong-o. In my universe...there always seems to be a trivia pursuit champion in the immediate vicinity who knows 'the facts' and quickly corrects my misinformation...and I get 'served'...other than possible embarrassment there is little suffering involved.

The spiritual sh*t sandwich on the other hand, can certainly expose more simplistic varieties of stupidity and contradiction, but specializes in supernaturally, over time, creating a real life paradigm shift in my world. While it may take years for God to actually prepare...serving up the not-so-tasty treat seems to happen almost instantaneously, like overnight. When I've been served a 'big-one', a divine shifting and sifting occurs, promptly ushering me into a new era spiritually and emotionally...introducing me to an unusually painful new season of 'reality' that mysteriously allows me to 'walk in that other person's shoes'. It's creative force can fit me in a twinkling of an eye...with an ultra sensitive empathy-filter, allowing me to feel with extreme conviction, the exact opposite of what I did...regarding certain people and ideas...especially the repugnant political and theological ones...I think God LOVES this!

I've eaten my fair share of these sandwiches over the past 5 years...that I never ordered and never saw coming. And the most amazing thing is, I never know I've been served until long after the fact. Here's just one example:

I once was the epitome of the celebrated evangelical...I loved my life as one of God's super elite professional church goers. I loved Sunday...I loved church...I loved serving...I loved the programs...I loved the music...and I loved inviting friends! I loved it even more when those friends came and began to eventually give themselves over to loving church too. On the other hand...I could not comprehend why some people wanted nothing to do with the 'traditional' church...even a cool-contemporary-one like mine? It totally blew my mind when a person professed a vibrant faith in God yet wanted NOTHING to do with going to church! WILD!
On several occasions...I became so troubled by these confounding exchanges that I provoked hostile arguments using the Bible and sermon notes to highlight their error and delusion...hoping to lead them back into the fold.
If you know my story up to now, you know that I no longer 'go' to church in the traditional institutional sense. I don't even know how that happened...I don't feel as though I choose this path. In fact, I'm not sure if I was pushed (for my own safety of course) or if I jumped on my own volition, off what felt to me like a sinking ship. At any rate...I fell out of love for the entire church process...I don't believe in most of the popular manifestations currently available to me. Today, church for me has become more specifically about who I am in relationship to Jesus and the Kingdom He came to establish. One of the ways I express that each week is by hanging out at my house with a small group of skeptics, outsiders, questioners, quitters, dreamers and rebuilders...

That, my friends, is a CLASSIC spiritual sh*t sandwich . I am now the person that I previously misunderstood...judged...condemned...and dismissed as useless in context to the body of Christ...ahhhhh...how ironic. There are too many examples of this powerful spiritual law at work in my life for me to share here...the above is just the most significant and life altering to date...And as hard to swallow as a 'Spiritual-sh*t-sandwich' can be...I truly believe that as a result of eating my share...I walk a little more humbly today ( and closer to Jesus) than I once did and that's a very good thing for everyone!

If you have a 'Spiritual-shit-sandwich' experience you'd like to share...I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LENT... and the Labyrinth

Last year (2009) I became more aware of and interested in committing myself to the observance of Lent. After a previous Emerging Desert cohort discussion, I became even more compelled to find a place to officially begin the Lenten season. My friend Jamie knew I was interested in exploring the Labyrinth as a symbol of the Lenten journey. So, upon her suggestion, she and I and my pal Frances... went to the Episcopal Cathedral of Phoenix to participate in the Mass and imposition of ashes there...primarily because they have a ‘life-size’ replica of the Labyrinth from the Cathedral in Chartes France in their court yard. After arriving at the church, finding the Labyrinth was first on our agenda for the morning. Located in the courtyard, surrounded by a serene desert garden punctuated by simplistic modern glass and metal sculptures depicting traditional stations of the cross, the Labyrinth was almost unnoticeable until standing right on top of it.

I tend to have ‘romantic spiritual ideas"...like walking’ a labyrinth during Lent...Initially it’s easy for me to plan what I imagine will be ground-breaking spiritual learning opportunities I ‘need’ to have...until I am actually faced with the reality of doing it...then I panic or struggle with apathy. Standing at the entrance of the labyrinth, I felt both. I instantly became distracted by traffic noise, the light-rail coming and going...even the proximity of my friends who came to make the pilgrimage as well. But, the most invasive thought was that ‘someone’ might be ‘watching me’and maybe I’d mess up and do the Labyrinth ‘ass-backward’...so typical for me. For a moment, I didn’t know what to do or how to begin...? I felt awkward and silly. I had zero information on proper protocol involved with ‘labyrinth -walking’ if there even is such a thing ?!

After several minutes, I thought to open the book of common prayer I brought along, to the ‘Ash Wednesday’ entry; reading the meditation for the day out loud, I hesitantly stepped onto the brick pathway and cautiously began my Lenten journey. Now...the process of walking a labyrinth is in theory...really simple; follow a clearly marked path that meanders some what unpredictably towards the center. There is no way to get lost or stuck as long as you keep moving in a forward direction, you will eventually reach the destination. Easy! Yet somehow...only a few paces onto the winding pathway...I became panicked that I was NOT doing ‘it’ correctly. I worried that I had inadvertently missed a step or perhaps even retraced my steps unnecessarily. I imagined church staff or priests watching me from inside the Cathedral...shaking their heads in disdain. Several neurotic, unwelcome and what seemed to be random scattered thoughts cluttered my mind.

At some point along the way...I stopped to contemplate my surroundings...to ponder the process. When I resumed walking, I noticed both of my fellow Lenten sojourners had somehow stealthily passed me by, each on their own quest. For some weird reason this made me feel kind of frustrated and anxious...it bothered me that though I had initiated the process...somehow they were no doubt going to get to ‘the destination’ ahead of me! Interestingly, only a few minutes later...I was surprised to see those same friends walking towards me, but on what appeared to be a different path. We exchanged smiles and hugs as we passed. I noticed how closely I and my companions were to each other inside the Labyrinth at times and how difficult it was in those moments to discern who was ahead...and who was behind...Sometimes it seemed our paths would collide, then at that moment someone would come to one of the many internal hairpin turns and we’d instantly be traveling away from each other towards distant sides of the Labyrinth, making me wonder when we'd encounter one another while on this pilgrimage again?

More often though... I remember being extremely sensitive to the various times when ‘I’ came especially close to the center of the labyrinth, hugging the ‘outside edge’ of the inner most point of the destination...but at the same time...not really quite ‘there’. A few times...just when it seemed from my perspective I would momentarily reach the end of the journey...a 180-degree turn would take me all the way back to the outer most perimeter of the Labyrinth once again...with no way of discerning when I’d really truly arrive at the center.

The process of walking the Labyrinth took an unexpected amount of time...quickening my pace seemed to defeat the purpose of undergoing the journey to start with. Stopping along the way seemed counter productive as well, however, doing so offered opportunities to reflect and meditate...and to sort through all of those seemingly random and pesky thoughts I encountered throughout much of my experience. Quietly aware that my fellow pilgrims had reached the coveted destination in the very center of the Labyrinth,I began to wonder about the many invasive thoughts and ideas and their significance, if any, to what I was experiencing inside the Lenten Labyrinth. One-at-a-time the girls entered inward...each then sitting or kneeling in silence, reflecting on their own unique experiences no doubt. There was no cheering, high fives or knuckle bumps. Just quiet, humble contemplation.

Finally and almost by accident, I noticed that I too was nearing the end of my pilgrimage that dat... heading towards the very heart of the Labyrinth (a good few minutes behind the others that I had initially preceded) It was at that moment that I felt an illumination...an epiphany of sorts...deep in my spirit. I realized how obvious it all was. The confusing thoughts and images I encountered, struggled against and then dismissed as bizarre or disconnected were anything but random or lacking in meaning, instead, they were more like mile markers and road signs characterizing my real-life spiritual journey. They represented the exact issues and hang-ups I have encountered and continued to carry as baggage for legitimate reasons...or not, for most of my life as a Christian.

I started to understand quite well, how much the Labyrinth adventure that day mirrored my life and spiritual journey with Jesus up to that point. Not a linear trajectory of maturation always held up and esteemed in church institutions I was most familiar with...but a winding, complicated back and forth process that moved me (and others) towards deeper relationship with God at the center of all things. As I stepped into the middle rosette of the labyrinth...and rejoined my friends, I knelt, embracing my own journey and my own revelation in that place. My overwhelming sense at that moment was the need to repent of my self preoccupation, the obsession of measuring my performance and my distructive grasp for controling my circumstances and also, my compulsion to carry heavy unhelpful baggage with me for so long. I wondered if the Labyrinth had accomplished in me what it was designed to...despite my lack of understanding and expertise in it?

Later, at home, I researched The labyrinth...finding out only then it was ( and is still in some traditions) considered a compelling ancient symbol long used in the observation of the season of Lent. Ironically, one of its original intended purposes was to offer pilgrims who travel it, the opportunity to contemplate their lives and to repent of sinful and harmful self-focus. Following the twisting, turning paths, the pilgrim is constantly provided an actualization of making literal and symbolic changes in their life’s direction...turning them away from the old ways of thinking and functioning...sending them a whole new way. In so doing those on the labyrinth journey are drawn closer to the healer and center of all...GOD. This is the very nature of repentance. I certainly had no idea what to expect in this labyrinth exercise.I had no idea where to focus my eyes, ears, racing thoughts and heart. Yet. Despite that, I experienced revelation so unique, my personal issues and sickness became obvious to me by the end presenting an opportunity for me to change directions...to repent...and to embrace a new way of looking at my faith and myself while on my journey with Jesus.

Christmas

*Sigh*
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a 'Debbie Downer'...like I should start almost every blog I write with an apology or a warning. I feel like everything I write or want to write is angry, depressing and cynical.hmmmmm.
It is what it is I guess.

But, I really wanted this post to be different, inspiring and light. I originally began writing a blog piece about Advent around the end of November that I quickly put on the back burner so that I could marinate in 'seasonal anticipation' and be inspired by the ethereal weekly themes of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. I imagined that heavenly inspiration would eventually overcome and enrapture me...enabling me to write an amazingly and spiritually profound blog. The result? Big fat nothing.

This Christmas...I was ready, willing and able to have an 'experience', even if it was terror inducing like poor ol' Ebenezer Scrooge endured 150 Christmases ago. Today is December 30th and I am still waiting for an epiphany...something ...anything that would help me feel more 'connected' to God in a more tangible or palpable way...you know? I was hoping upon hope, even expecting...that if I made an conscious effort...God would "show-up" (like he is reportedly in the habit of doing at big seeker-friendly, evangelical, mega churches). I dreamed that would find myself feeling familiar 'old feelings' or experiencing God in more emotional ways that lately seem to be inexplicably lost or dead. I guess, I just want to really feel my faith again...something like being born-again, again.

When I left the seeker-friendly variety of church...I necessarily said good-bye to Christmas experiences with smoke machines, HD video and rousing rock-n-roll versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" performed on upside-down galvanized garbage cans in a "Stomp-esque" fashion...Certainly, if anything could capture the mystery and majesty of the season and put anyone in a spiritually receptive Christmas-y mood...it's that...Right? Well, to be honest, it was that for me for many years. Today however, my desire for that scene is G O N E...leaving me wanting something 'else' or other.

This Christmas season my wonderful community, Emerging Desert Cohort, collectively embraced the idea of celebrating Advent together, for-reals. We had many of the traditional and familiar elements including an 'official' Advent wreath, scripture reading, communion and conversation centered on the spiritual themes of the week...as well as a special story and craft for our children. I admit, it was pretty impressive for our little emerging group and huge step for us! Every week was unique and creative, reflecting the personalities of those that volunteered to lead us. I anticipated every single Sunday. I appreciated each unique celebration. I thoroughly enjoyed the lively discussions and the beautiful cohesiveness of our odd little group worshiping together in this more 'traditional' way.

The Emerging Desert Cohort Advent and Christmas celebration was packed full of all of the stuff I've 'craved' since leaving 'big church'. It was tactile, creative, intimate, traditional/emergent...as well as dialogue vs monologue driven. To top it off...Jimbo's special home-brewed beer was kegged and flowing for everyone to enjoy...what else could an unconventional Christian want or need to 'feel' spiritually intune with God and their community? SERIOUSLY...I wish I knew!

While I feel increasingly more connected to and dependant on my little emerging cohort...the connection to God 'thing' continues to evade me more than I really like to openly admit. I don't understand it other than to postulate that maybe I am romanticizing 'the old-days' like someone who continues to measure life by their long past high school glory days. Maybe I have unwittingly created expectations of my relationship with God based on my former spiritual glory days...leaving fewer options for God to 'show-up' or reveal Himself in more subtle and unconventional ways? Like 2000 years ago when God turned the world on it's head by being born a tiny baby in a boring town...surrounded by obscure shepherds. Maybe all of the years I spent 'wowed' and over stimulated by 'over the top' pop culture Christianity, has robbed me of my ability to sense God in pure, simple and nondescript ways...like in the love and support of my unique community, hearing the Nativity story read out loud to small children or lighting an Advent candle while meditating on themes of Hope...Peace...Joy and Love.

It must be possible for me to somehow rediscover God in these small things and simple practices common at Christmas and through out the year. I know He has worked in contexts like those for eons. Perhaps that is my Christmas epiphany? For too long, I have allowed my uber stylized and staunchly evangelical expectations and visions of spiritual grandeur to eclipse and limit God...who has been and 'hopefully' will continue to be present in the small...covert...and overlooked.

THANKFUL

I have so many obvious blessings...it's ridiculous. For starters...I have an amazingly supportive husband, 4 brilliant and stunning daughters, many precious friends, both of my parents and my in-laws are healthy, active and invested in our lives...I have a lovely home, newer cars as well as a little bit of spending money...I truly do not lack one creature comfort. Yet, Rather that catalogue all of the more obvious things I am and should be thankful for...(there are many)...I want to share a few things that I am grateful for that I have found and identified more by accident, recovered under the layers of cynicism, despair, anger and doubt that I have wallowed in for nearly 2 years.

The last couple of years of my life have been a challenge for me emotionally and spiritually. My life has not followed the course I charted a few decades ago, certainly not an ideal situation for a type A control freak like me. If I were to judge my life by my previous christian-y standards...I would label where I now find myself as an epic failure. I had some pretty lofty ideas and expectations conceived and nursed for years in my 'fully-devoted' evangelical days that have completely crashed and burned outside the institutional Church. As painful as this season of loss has been, it needed to happen. Shedding some superficial fluff and 'me' centric idealism has helped me gain some much needed perspective on my life in relationship to the Kingdom of God. Before my slippery slope experience, I was only marginally aware...I think because my shiny sparkly faith, gianormous 'head' and personal ambition were in the way of 'having eyes to see'. I can say in this moment with honest conviction that I am thankful for the current shift in my life and the season of great pain that has come with it. As a result, my spiritual vision has improved, bringing Jesus and His Kingdom into greater focus. I'm learning to see again...and this is good.

In my previous spiritual life, I carefully constructed an environment for myself that made it impossible for me to be open to the ideas and 'otherness' of people not exactly like me. I approached every relationship and experience through a super sensitive evangelical filter, allowing me to dismiss the spiritual, intellectual and philosophical ideas of others, making me feel quite confident and powerful. Sometimes I'd overwhelm a threatening person with a clever apologetic argument and other times when feeling more provoked, I'd level a hostile attack, perhaps on their character. I rarely, if ever extended the courtesy of honestly listening to those who were alarmingly different from me...determining ahead of time that "there was no value in doing so."

Closing the door on my involvement in more traditional models of Christianity, specifically conservative evangelicalism, has allowed me the freedom to relax a little bit (I have a long way to go here) and intentionally expose myself to the ideas and philosophies of people very different from me. It's only just recently that I am able to truly regard people...to accept them and even love them...for who they are without feeling pressure to try to change or convert them. I am more able to honestly and openly listen to them like they matter...and even more, listen as if I had something I could possibly learn from them or their lives. Today, I am thankful that the painful reshaping season of my life is promoting a greater freedom and willingness for me have ears to hear.

The devastation and disappointment of watching years of purpose driven, name it claim it Christian belief-ism vaporize before my eyes, while at the same time grieving the loss of one of my dearest friends (who died of a malignant brain tumor several weeks after I turned '40')...pretty much crushed my spirit and most of my faith in anything. Up until then...I was just flirting with questions and doubts out on the slippery slope and the absolute terror it represented to me. Not long after Kelly died, my husband Jim and I were "asked to find another church home" by our pastor because we were rocking the boat and not "all-in" enough. Right then, what little was left of my faith and joy...drained out of me...and I began my dizzying descent on the slippery slope, catatonic...yet securely in the proverbial 'hand basket to hell'.

My intense feelings of fear, doubt and anger embarrassed and horrified me. I had little experience dealing with these ugly raw emotions especially in connection to my faith. I never needed to. Prior to the train wreck of my faith...I kept it carefully polished and very shiny. For me, there never seemed to be an appropriate time to feel anything other than self control, poise and blessed assurance. Fortunately...providentially? Jim and I stumbled upon an Emergence Christianity Cohort faith community just about the time I was hitting rock-bottom. This small community of self imposed exiles were living out their faith together in the trenches of a messy spirituality. They endured my pain and confusion and comforted me. They listened to my questions, first validating and then encouraging me and through their friendships and personal stories, they gave me something I thought I had lost forever...HOPE.

I heard a podcast recently by Rob Bell in which remarked that "unless we have experienced great pain or grief, we'll never have the capacity to experience great joy." This statement gives me incredible hope as I emerge from the darker side of my spiritual journey. I want to believe I've walked through the hardest part already. (I hope) I feel much less sorrow and rage now than I did two years ago. I see light looming on the horizon...I anticipate a coming season of great joy...and I am thankful for that.

TENSION

Initially when I began thinking of my own journey and spiritual practice, it was easy to recall the things I was eager to be leaving behind within the traditional model of 'church'...Things like the routine, the single contributor driven monologue, the 'stained-glass-ceiling, name-brand banner waving, using 85% of the collective tithe to support infrastructure often with shocking exorbitance and being expected to invest practically all of my energy and personal resources into serving 'inside the church' while supporting the vision and slick marketing mantras of the leadership.

Similarly, it was like a breath of fresh air to contemplate all of the new and liberating forms of praxis available to explore and live out, simply as a result of venturing onto a path less traveled. A few of those being: honest dependency on the 'priesthood' of believers, consistent missional-focused living, intimacy in community, open and inclusive dialogue, not only welcoming doubt but 'embracing the questions' (that's for you Sarah G!) What was once believed to be 'wrong' and off limits can be reconsidered, explored and often claimed and kept...without needing to hide it; what was before a 'non-negotiable certainty', can be scrutinized, examined and purged (if necessary) sometimes with a shudder and an AMEN...without the fear of being shunned or labeled divisive or dangerous.

It sounds so easy when I hear myself say all of that or when I read a few tidy condensed paragraphs I've written summarizing the experience, as if it happens instantaneously. It doesn't. It's a process...a tedious process of living in constant 'tension' of one kind or another...which is a complete ass-kicker for person like me to come to terms with. My dear friend Jamie says I am a stereotypical product of modernism and dualistic thinking...tight-fistedly hanging on to a black or white...good or bad...right or wrong view of the world and others. I struggle with the need to be right...to be correct...wanting to claim emphatically that my way, my answers and my practice are 'the purest of ways' . This need to judge and categorize is part of my spiritual past and my biggest character flaw. It continues to effect how I see, hear and respond to anyone who remains invested in any system, ideology or way of practicing faith (or politics) that I have determined at best to be lacking and at worst completely depraved.

At one time, Christians outside the conservative norm freaked me out...I avoided them, argued with them and ultimately dismissed them, sometimes delicately and other times...not so much. Now I find myself on the opposite side of the fence, put-off...and irritated when confronted with anything from my former spiritual camp. For example, I practically roll my eyes when I'm invited to attend a women's function with 'purpose driven', 'captivating' or 'princess' anywhere in the event description. I panic and and make excuses when I'm asked to attend conferences or church services featuring key-note speakers whose messages I now find nauseating. And...when any conversation I'm engaged contains..." I was watching the 700CLUB or Joel Osteen today"...I seriously start looking for the door. Why is this? Why do I feel no matter what side of the fence I'm on...I'm on the important side...the side that understands and gets-it...or conversly, the side that deserves to be treated with mercy and understanding?

The tension I experienced when I first chose to leave the institutional church was brand new for me...I never expected my character and spirituality to be picked apart as a result of my changing convictions and ideas and from there, subjected to all varieties of judgement and condemnation by people who I considered to be my church family. Enduring that painful season in the early days of my metamorphosis...brought to mind several people I had treated with the same ugly behaviour...today I cynically refer to this 'karma-come-back' as " The Spiritual Shit Sandwich". This spiritual tension has always been palpable in my life...and, I have historically responded poorly to it.

Recently my friend Kathy Escobar wrote a blog about living well in the tension between faith and doubt...this statement of hers resonated with me and made me realize what I want to learn to embody and how much I want to be part of a community of believers who can live well in this tension not only among ourselves but with those who we find abrasive, difficult and fundamentally disagree with on every level...

..."people have a wide range of feelings, emotions & responses that shift and change over time and a beautiful gift that christian community can give to each other is the space to be wherever they are and trust that God is at work and doesn’t always need our two cents." ~ Kathy Escobar

If I really want to embody something different in how I practice my faith, beyond the obvious outward stuff like where and when I go to church, I need to learn how to better live with the understanding that our journey's and perspectives are unique....My ongoing struggle an often inability to live in and accept this constant tension needs to be infused with a healthy dose of humility as well as repentance (the process of actually turning away from a previous belief or behavior and doing something radically different)...manifesting an outward as well as inward demonstrative change. This idea should sound familiar...it's the keystone of the Gospel of The Kingdom of God...turning away from behaviors and practices, found to be shallow and missing the mark...and truly becoming fundamentally different...deep down at the core of your soul. I want to live in this kind of tension...but...I'm not exactly sure how to get there...

If you've had some break-throughs and success living in this kind of spiritual tension...I want to hear about it...Maybe your wisdom and experience will be just what I need to motivate me to grow and improve as well!

Praxis

praxis is defined as: 1.practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills. 2.convention, habit, or custom. 3.a set of examples for practice.

I’ve been thinking a lot about spiritual practice recently...and more specifically my own spiritual practice as someone who professes to be a follower and disciple of Jesus. Even though I left the institutional church well over a year ago, I continue to feel occasional pangs of nostalgia when I recall what were once fundamental practices associated with my more traditional evangelical experience of Christianity. However it’s also true that the more time that passes, the more people I meet who walk this less traveled path, the more books I read that expound on the lost art of living as a follower as Jesus beyond the walls of the institutional church...the more I am convinced that I am no longer cut out to practice my faith on the inside.

For well over 30 years, practicing my faith as a ‘born-again Christian’ and later an ‘All-in-fully-devoted-follower-of -Jesus’ looked like a tidy concoction of personal sin management coupled with diligent Sunday morning church attendance...sprinkled with random missional field trips and the occasional emotionally driven convention or seminar. Don’t get me wrong, I was devout in my belief system (faith in the sufficiency of Jesus as my ‘personal savior’), but without awareness or intention, my Christian faith practice evolved into professing a system of ‘right-beliefs’(orthodoxy) as well as committing to lining up under a particular church banner and upholding it’s processes and programs. Messages from the pulpit continually reinforced that maturity in Christ could be boiled down to a few tangible specifics...(sin management, regular attendance, tithing 10% and serving inside the walls of the church) and in all honesty, until just recently, I was satisfied with that. At one time...I could not imagine or predict becoming restless or questioning the validity of what I was doing...or what we as American Christians as a whole were doing, but somehow the whole thing came crashing down becoming less and less believable.

Through a series of complicated circumstances...I came to the dazed conclusion that I had to get out of the traditional church environment before I became irreversibly bitter or possibly even an agnostic. Despite my obvious disillusionment with the whole ‘going-to-church’ deal, I was feeling more compelled than ever to‘be the church’ but to my surprise...the institutional model became an impediment to that effort. Fortunately, I met some local ordinary radicals (controversial, subversive believers) attempting community and missional living on the outside of the I.C, who embodied a type of Christian praxis I never knew actually existed beyond the pages of books written by people like Shane Claiborne and Michael Frost. Their incarnational model of Christian practice was so different...obviously liberated from the tidy check-list Christianity I was used to. Embracing this ideal catalyzed a massive paradigm shift in my way of thinking ...and way of practicing!

Eventually even common words and their traditional meanings, once used to express specific spiritual experiences seemed insufficient and in need of being expanded and stretched to convey fuller, deeper and perhaps more authentic meaning. For example, logistically it was obvious, on the ‘outside’ practicing worship could no longer simply mean engaging in a 20 minute prelude of corporate singing and prayer led by a paid professional before a message series commenced. Instead worship had to be more broadly defined and more organic...becoming an attitude and a way of life. Likewise, spiritual maturity could no longer be measured by attendance, tithing or serving the local body as an usher or hospitality specialist. Instead...it becomes a journey rather than a destination...not easily defined but at the very least characterized by living in a posture of service...giving not only financially but more importantly...relationally. Success outside the I.C. will no longer be measured by numbers of attenders, baptisms or decisions for Christ...but instead by the quality of the community...and the depth of our investment in the Kingdom of God and each other, collectively living in the Way of Jesus.

My Christianity at this moment, may seem starkly less ‘spiritual’ to those who remain on the inside...especially when measured by the standards and check lists esteemed in most churches today. I’ve totally thrown that list away...scrapped it and started over! My last days on the inside were exasperating, lacking meaning and depth and far too confining, the routine and process incapable of evoking any joy or positive energy at all. Part of being authentic and listening to God for me at that point, was leaving that all behind. Currently, I feel that my spiritual practice ‘ on the outside’, while more liberating in many ways " is far more costly, difficult and yet rewarding than I ever experienced in 30+ years on the inside and thus, it is for me, more legitimate and precious!"The truth is, it’s harder out here...infinitely more demanding of my time and every other resource I possess, in every area of my life... emotionally, spiritually, relationally and financially.

Christian practice is void without the benefit of community...whether it's accomplished inside or outside of the I.C...is most likely a matter of personal taste. I have decided on the road a little less traveled, at least in the United States of America. My obscure community, Emerging Desert Cohort, is attempting an intentional practice navigating "The Way of Jesus" together, exploring and experiencing life in ‘communitas’. FOR REALS. We aren’t in a hurry to define ourselves or outline routine practices. We approach our individual and collective spiritual journeys in obvious and practical ways including (but not limited to) practicing inclusiveness ...having the courage to welcome ALL who want to come, creating a safe environment and making room for the questioners and spiritually fragile...practicing hospitality by sharing our homes and meals as we meet together every week...practicing radical generosity as we consistently invest in the exceptional needs of those outside ourselves, our local community and the global community as well ( no more "stop-drop-and-roll" missions!) These are many of the spiritual practices I have always craved and can now truly give myself to! (plus...we always have great home brewed BEER)

Today, as the last stubborn residue of ‘church--ianity is purged from my life, the deconstruction of what once was becomes less important. I am less fearful of eternal damnation as a result of abandoning a religious system created largely by man. I am less interested in critiquing what went wrong with my old way of doing church and more interested in rediscovering and connecting to the spiritual roots of Christian praxis in the context of relational community. Instead of taking things out and apart, I am ready to re imagine the future. Experimenting with ancient and largely unfamiliar mystical practices of my faith tradition, along with attempting some creative new spiritual experiences, is something I anticipate now rather than avoid at all costs. Where I am in all of this isn't static or standardized. Creating a more meaningful and true spiritual practice that includes living out Kingdom principals in the most literal and direct ways I can in the company of intimate community is the best place I could hope to be.

How do you define your spiritual praxis?

WORD

I am continuing to expand on a few of the 5 spiritual "KEEPERS", or spiritual by-products I inherited from the institutional church of my past. These are specific truths I feel I can claim as having legitimate life giving and eternal value...even now, living as a sort of self-imposed exile on the ‘outside'. Each foundational truth has weathered a rather bitter divorce from my ‘traditional church’ days yet has resurfaced a little tattered and torn...but maybe more mature, humble and even more multidimensional as well...or at least I'd like to think so!

Previously in the blog “Re-Jesus”, I identified the most valuable truth I gained via the institution as "Jesus" Himself...but at the same time, I had to admit that the Jesus I came to know over the years seemed a little flat and one dimensional, nothing like the radical subversive Jesus I am becoming acquainted with today. And, to be authentic...I felt I had to expose some of the accompanying fluff that He previously came packaged with that I could no longer ascribe to. Some of those ideologies even became road-blocks that I believe kept me from truly knowing and following Jesus where he seemed to be going...beyond the walls of the church.

Next, in Community-Communitas...I shared the deep on-going feelings I have regarding community life within the context of the I.C. and beyond. I emphatically confess that my desire to be connected and committed to the people of God was first developed and nurtured in the Mega church I attended for 23 years...and for that I am forever grateful. My perspective about what community is and is not...has expanded and evolved into something similar but also entirely ‘other’ than before. This phenomenon is better understood by me today as "Communitas" which can be loosely defined as a conjoined life of mission going beyond creating community for community sake and is truly far more difficult and infinitely more rewarding.

In this blog titled WORD...I want to explore the Bible. However, this is where my journey becomes more precarious and the deconstruction of my past starts to get really messy and makes my head spin. Because of that, and the fact that I fear the fall-out of what I am about to say, I have been procrastinating. I have tried to just ignore the topic, pushing it out of my mind. But, I keep being drawn back, I start to write and then...I stop. Perplexed. Scared. Indifferent. Before I began this internal assignment, I surmised that what I would eventually produce here, wouldn’t amount to any more than incoherent yammerings which would probably not accurately represent my understanding or feelings on the same topic, even 6 months from now.

It's become obvious to me that one of the greatest obstacles for me to overcome while writing this piece in particular, is that nothing is really settled for me right now. I am still in a free fall of sorts even a whole year later. Lots of things are up for debate and redefining...nothing is totally concrete...not even my grasp of the BIBLE.At the moment, my entire life is a paradigm shift! I think it’s worthwhile to mention, the current religious and political climate pervasive in our country right now, adds to my disconnect and overall lack of desire to maintain or protect what I once thought I knew for sure and treasured above all, my certainty about my Christian faith and my “Biblical World view.”

For some, that kind of ambiguity, confusion and flat out blasphemy is probably setting off all kinds of internal evangelical heresy alarms... believe me, I know! I grimace, remembering what I used to think and say about ‘people like me’ too. I remember the judgements and allegations I handed out with such conviction and superiority. However, the truth is, today...right this minute... I am deeply bothered by the Bible on so many levels. Bothered by how easy it is for debased people (wolves in sheep’s clothing I suppose)to arrive at zealous and dangerous Biblical interpretations and applications like this jackass(http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/page5.html) I’m bothered when I am emphatically told that The Word of God ‘clearly says’ this or that...when it isn’t especially clear to me at all (at least in ways it once was) I’m bothered by the contextual complexities, bothered by the problem of trying to read the Bible for personal revelation without having a tremendous amount of back knowledge to allow for “rightly dividing the truth’...and more than ever...I am bothered by being expected to receive as inerrant and infallible, the popular ‘orthodox theology’ of boisterous ultra conservative Christianity as it pertains to the Holy Bible Ironically none of this bothered me when I was a self-imposed expert on all things “Biblical” but...that has all since changed out here on the slippery slope.

At some point in my life, the Bible became a bunch of tidy and trite cliches,...a text book, a blue print, a 'prescription’ for moral living, an owner’s manual, a road map and the Holy CC&R's if you will, easily providing me with just the 'right' answers for any given situation. Beyond being used for personal guidance and enrichment...it often became something that I could use to serve myself, proving my theological estuteness and undermining the ideas and convictions of others. It kills me to admit now that during my most unbending conservative season of life inside the I.C...I used the Bible to fuel heated debates as well as a weapon to help me win arguments regarding complex moral and theological quandaries. SIDE NOTE: I absolve the church of imputing to me such a disdainful character flaw; I confess that I quite likely found my way into that pit on my very own volition...call it a symptom of modernism...dualistic thinking ...or just plain ol’sin...I cannot hold the church accountable for any of that crap ...for sure!

Right this moment...the idea of the Bible as infallible and inerrant, especially as interpreted by fragile humans with finite minds like my own or by those in positions of power...has suffered the greatest degree of scrutiny in my struggle to properly reposition the Bible in my life. Again...I digress, I am fully aware of how bad this all sounds...and frankly...I am pretty sure it is as bad as it sounds. But, despite no longer being confident in a particular set of standardized statements that have been slated to define scriptural absolutes for all time...(ironically set forth by men who believed the earth was the center of the universe and flat as a flannel-board)...the Bible remains for me foundationally unique...and inescapably necessary...although much more mysterious and frustrating than ever before.


"It could be said that each reader of the Bible reads with personal blinders...Too often the Bible is simpley a tool we use to confirm ideas we already hold. There's scarcely a more theologically distructive habit." ~Brian Sanders, Life After Church


Believing the above statement to be fundamentally true does make me more cynical and perhaps more skeptical over all. But...it has also liberated me and provided me freedom to wrestle with my Biblical uncertainties in ways I was never encouraged to before, without pressure to arrive at the exact same conclusions as the masses . Irefutable ideologies crafted by seminarians that I would at one time swallow whole...I am now chewing on for a hell of a lot longer and spitting out a lot more bones. I have had no shortage of people warning me that I will eventually find the Bible of little value and view it as a mere fairytale. Yet interestingly, unlike the warnings I received, I'm noticing that rather than conclude the Bible to be irrelivant and unimportant, I have developed a new passion for many aspects of it that went largely undeveloped or minimized before...like the Gospels of Jesus and the writings of some of the more obscure minor prophets.

Reading the Bible today is an etirely differnt experience for me. My motivation is not the same. Rather than using it to prove to myself and others that I am ultimately correct in my understanding of it, I find myself more willing to go to scripture for personal inspiration, in a posture to learn and with a lot more humility. I have delighted in reading old stories, especially the Jesus stories in brand new and fresh ways...made alive by their cultural and historical contexts and much less baggage. And, I am fortunate to be a part of a collective of people who are embarking on a similar journey. Together we are reorienting ourselves to the WORD of God and rediscovering the timeless wisdom, inspired truth and the mystery that deepens our individual and collective faith.

Community-Communitas

This is another spin off blog from an earlier post entitled "Keepers". In that blog piece, I extricated five eternally valuable truths and concepts that the Institutional Church provided and taught me for nearly 4 decades. As I mentioned previously...this was to be an exercise for me in positive thinking and gratitude...maybe that's why it was a challenge right out of the gate? Ha.

That said...there were complications, in my mind, with each of my particular spiritual ‘finds’. In my earlier blog, I referred to those things as “caveats", or ‘red-flags’ I suppose. While not insurmountable issues, I think they are worth honest examination. AND...before I go any further... I think it’s also important for me to acknowledge that my epiphany in this regard, is not an indictment entirely against the church...but also a confession of my own ignorance and the realization that maybe the evangelical mega church environment wasn’t the most healthy for me...I am certain that scads of people follow similar spiritual paths with completely different experiences, culminating in more positive and life-giving results.

Anyhow...moving on!

Beyond meeting Jesus in and through the traditional church...I also inherited a strong sense of commitment to my church family which went far beyond simple surface interactions common at Sunday morning worship services. Twenty-three plus years attending 'one single church' was probably the most valuable experience I had in learning to relate to and be committed to a community of faith in good times and bad. In my humble opinion, commitment to intimate ( aka messy ) relationships with one another...almost anywhere in our society...is a 'lost art'. Our Christian culture is no different than secular America, so consumer driven, that it is uncommon for people to stay in a job, neighborhood or church for more than a few years before becoming bored or offended and walking away.

Like other Mega churches of the 80's and 90's, the Mega church I attended during those years became rather proactive in developing small group fellowships. Leadership began to recognized that despite offering engaging worship services and a smorgasbord of weekly programming...people weren’t connecting to other people and simply didn’t stick around for long...The front door of the building was open but the 'figurative' back door never seemed to close either...in response, a huge internal movement of 'community' became the church's primary vision and a cultural catch-phrase.

My sense of spiritual community certainly began to develop during a church initiated ‘community-revival’...but not without many disappointing and unfortunate experiences along the way. In fact, I noticed rather quickly, as others did, that home-groups or life-groups that attempted to connect people via proximal suburban demographics, with only our 'home' church in common, were barely viable after a few months...as were the communities formed out of a sense of duty or obligation to the church mission statement or membership requirements. Both of these common scenarios felt forced and creepy...and at times ended badly. People would bail out, leaving others feeling abandoned; or commence fighting over complicated subjects like politics and theology which often led to angry allegations. It wouldn't be long before people were leaving the group or church pissed off, ironically, with severed or damaged relationships in their wake.

Over the years and especially as a young married and new parent...I quickly learned to crave and place a very high priority on a personal practice of faith based community out of my intrinsic need for support and camaraderie. The Small groups I experienced birthed from organic relationships, unique seasons of life or life crisis...seemed to have the most longevity and 'people' retention...but they were all too often ingrown and closed to outsiders or new people. Parenting, marriage and recovery groups offered environments with an almost instant sense of like-minded connectedness...but...were breeding grounds for elitism, exclusivity and even dysfunction. Even though I was a committed member in a few of these 'life-groups'...that kind of community was always a turn off to me. Author Michael Frost, in his book 'Exiles', remarked that communities like these are an end in themselves...rather than a means to an end.

Eventually I began to question the value of life-group communities. On the one hand I knew I needed intimacy and connectedness with the people of God that I couldn't get at a weekend church experience...but...at the same time I was growing tired of the myopic focus of these types of groups as well. One of the last groups I attended...studied the book of James at least 3 times in a year and a half. No kidding. I suppose not surprisingly, life-groups often took on the distinct personalities of the 'leaders'. The more melancholy, pious and self censoring, incessantly focusing on "sin in the camp"...while the more sanguine fun lovers...avoiding spiritual depth all together. Interestingly, I began to recognize that the only time I felt truly alive and connected in any small group after awhile, was during outward focused service projects and missional living.

It was only after leaving the Institutional church behind...that I encountered a different kind of community...identified by those who study these things as Communitas. Communitas may have many of the same characteristics as a community...( discipleship, encouragement, safety etc) with a few very important nuances. Rather than community for community sake to satisfy a requirement or need for personal support...

"Communitas is a community infused with a grand sense of purpose; a purpose that lies outside of its current internal reality and Constitution. It's the kind of community that 'happens' to people in actual pursuit of a common vision of what 'could be'. It involves movement and it describes the experience of togetherness that only really happens among a group of people actually engaging in a mission outside itself." ~ Alan Hirsch, The Forgotten Ways

I never even considered leaving community behind when I left the I.C I knew going it alone was not an option. In fact...prior to turning the page on that chapter of my life...I had already began to invest in a small group of people...self imposed exiles...attempting to live as authentic followers of Jesus outside the traditional institutionalized expression of Christianity. We shared common experiences and familiar dreams of what the body of Christ could really be and do in the world today. For many...like me...emotions were raw and spilled out...others who had already blazed this liminal(transitional state) offered encouragement and hope that sustained me through darker days.

Today in my communitas we dialogue and wrestle with concepts and theology we were never able to in our past lives...we talk and eat and drink great home-brewed beer! We attempt to experience new spiritual practice we may have formerly avoided or abandoned. Rather than emphatically confess concrete spiritual opinions we confess we don't know half of what we once thought we did and we don't need to have all the answers. We know we undeniably need each other and we do not exist to serve ourselves...but to live as the hands, feet and pocketbook of Jesus Christ...taking every opportunity to be the church.

I am not at all where I thought I'd be once upon a time...but I freely admit...I wouldn't go back to where I came from or reestablish any of the pseudo-communities of my past. It's true that it's way harder out here...not something that can easily be grasped, at least for me...Old habits and expectations are hard to let go of. A few old friends aren't sure if I've lost my salvation...and let me know it. However, I believe my current experiences have been and will continue to be transformative as I attempt to live a life as a Follower of Jesus.

RE-Jesus

Its official...I am not warming up to this blog thing as well as I had hoped. I just can't seem to get past the notion that any of my incessant analyzing and deconstructing of my past life in the institutional church really matters much. I have no inspiration to offer or light to shed on the subject...at least...not yet...and I'm not sure what the point is! One minute I am passionately constructing a new blog post and in the next moment I delete it vowing to never write again...This particular blog has been one of those experiences. However, there are a few pesky people in my life( you know who you are!)...who provoke me and push me to keep writing and exploring, perhaps believing it will ultimately be therapeutic for me...so...here I am once again.

In my previous post, "Keepers", I attempted to extricate truths and philosophies I could carry with me beyond the boundaries of the traditional evangelical church scene. I began that exercise hoping it would create a diversion for me from what tends to be a mostly negative perspective at times (laced with lament and emotional scab picking) of all things church-y. Recently, in a rare moment of positive energy I decided to survey decades of evangelical-charismatic orthodoxy and spiritual lessons, which I accumulated for over 38 years like badges on an AWANA vest.. What I ended up with was surprising. After days of contemplation... I was only able to identify five things I could say were of any real substance.

It took some serious investigating but one ‘badge’ stood out...I’ll call it my ‘ Jesus Badge’. It marked the day when I “gave my life to Christ” in a summer V.B.S. By far the oldest of my personal spiritual mile stones, it had somehow become the most over shadowed, buried beneath my own accomplishments, rights of passage, future expectations and, as it turns out, some incomplete and possibly damaging ideologies as well.

I can’t say for sure what my relationship to Jesus would have looked like if I would have met Him in a Catholic church, a Mennonite church or the Salvation Army, because I met Jesus in an evangelical (covertly charismatic) Methodist church during a “Born Again” revival that was sweeping the American church landscape in the early 1970's. What I remember from those days is scarce. Maybe it was because I was so young (8 yrs old) but getting to know Jesus and how to live like him, took a back seat to things like going to church, attending Sunday School, reciting memory work, and dominating at ‘sword drills’. Jesus saved me from hell...and remained virtually one dimensional and flat just like his flannel board character on Sunday morning for years after.

When I was sixteen, my family left our quasi charismatic Methodist church behind for the real deal... A full gospel charismatic evangelical church... By then I had been a Christian for 8 years. I knew the books of the Bible and all of the major flannel board Bible stories. I found I had a knack for apologetics and reveled in opportunities to challenge anyone with a different faith or world view than my own. Not surprising, the Jesus I came to know over the next several decades may have been someone academic (for the 80's) like Josh McDowell. I imagined that He, (Jesus) placed a high priority on being able to present Christianity in a concise logical format...quashing any lingering doubts and converting unbelievers to a concrete systematic orthodoxy.

My ultra conservative convictions developed quickly and were in full bloom by the time I reached my young adult years. It was in this decade that I came to *almost* believe Jesus was a republican (for-reals)... or that at the very least He exclusively endorsed that particular party’s agenda. After getting married and having children, Jesus manifested as a sort of ‘super’ Dr. James Dobson...It was my firm conviction that His priority was for me to get my ‘priorities right’...focus on my marriage...my family and my finances. My on-going goal in life at that time was self- censorship and personal sin management along with measuring my spiritual maturity by things like daily devotions and time per day spent in prayer ( which incidentally...I sucked at both!) I felt a strong sense that Jesus expected authentic followers of His to avoid the dangers of worldliness, like going to rated R movies, pursuing relationships with unbelievers and listening to secular music of any kind. The Jesus of that era of my life would have avoided people, places and things that did not have a figurative “approved for conservative evangelical” label on it.

To be honest....I must admit that on occasion...I did have brief glimpses of a different Jesus inside the church. I observed Him on the peripheries thru the focus ministry projects of ‘outreach’ staff. I noticed that this Jesus felt comfortable with and even desired the company of ‘outsiders’ and ‘marginalized’ people. He wasn’t worried about being defiled by their worldliness. When missionaries came to visit...I saw a Jesus who still cared about the poor and oppressed and motivated me to take action on their behalf.. But, this Jesus quickly faded from memory until someone else exposed Him again. That Jesus was alive and had flesh...He made a real difference in a screwed up, hurting world...which actually excited me. He was interesting , colorful and multi-dimensional...more compelling than the one dimensional flannel board Jesus I had known. Unlike the Jesus from my childhood that I felt I had to perform for...I felt like this ‘other’ Jesus already ‘dug’ me and wanted me to join Him in changing the world...beyond the comfort of the Institution.

As I began to pursue more encounters with incarnate missional Jesus...I began to realized that He didn’t hang out much in the churches I was a part of. I questioned that observation and the responses of those on the ‘inside’ left me disappointed and unsatisfied. The Jesus of my past was getting smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as I developed a compulsion to learn more about and embody more clearly, the Jesus I read of in His Gospels. Encouraged, I found new books to read, and newness to old stories. I found new groups of people who ironically had similar experiences as my own and today we are sojourners...followers of God in the Way of Jesus.

Today... I am grateful to the institution for introducing me to Jesus as a child and for providing me with spiritual formation and community. However, I am also thankful for a different perspective and a renewed interested in Jesus I have discovered on the outside. I believe this relationship will continue to unfold and develop as well as frustrate and elude me for the rest of my natural life. Rather than feeling like I have faith and Jesus and the church nailed down...I feel like I am starting from scratch...I am learning to embrace a bigger vision for myself, the church and the world we live in.