There was a time in my former life, that I anxiously awaited the tour dates of a few ‘brand-name’ annual women’s conference events that made stops in Phoenix, where I live..I attended one or two of these events every single year without exception for probably an entire decade...In those days...descriptive words like ‘Virtue’, ‘Purpose-Driven’, ‘Extravagant’ or ‘Proverbs 31' coupled in some manner with the word “ WOMAN” captivated me... motivating me to rally my girlfriends to accompany me to these intentional and highly stylized events...
Right now I confess...as meaningful and engaging as those conferences were for me at the time...it’s extremely hard for me to be excited...let alone generous, when it comes to celebrating my ‘previous’ life as a compulsive evangelical Christian woman...I do not doubt that my attitude in this regard is unattractive...but the truth is, at this moment I struggle to connect meaning to most things that once were the highlight of my spiritual practice. The fact that my life today has completely derailed from the conservative evangelical tracks and looks absolutely nothing like it once did, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the messages and ideals celebrated and projected from the name-brand conference circuit or the elite women on the platform...is identifiably one of my greatest sources of pain and confusion.
It’s a long story...alluded to in past blog posts...but in a nutshell revolves around dashed expectations and painful breakups between the church and I. I don’t really understand it all myself...I am embarrassed to admit it but the key-note speakers of those past conferences and retreats once represented everything I longed for and thought I was called to be and have...Besides a ‘fuller’ relationship with God, achieving eventual impeccable spiritual maturity and moral character...I looked forward to becoming more polished and confident in myself and protecting, at all costs, an unwavering belief that God would eventually unfurl a BIG purpose and plan for my future at any moment...I held my breath. I believed. I waited and waited and waited.....
Five years and a crushing spiritual crisis later can have a profound affect on perspective...in fact, from my current vantage point, it seems impossible to me now that those women’s events (or any women’s event for that matter)...in all of their celebrated pageantry, could ever become catalysts for life altering spiritual experiences, buoying faith during the most challenging seasons of life for a single, a young married, a mother or church leader...but they do for so many women and they did for me too long ago..and I need to acknowledge that.
Even on a good day it's painfully obvious to me (and others)...that I am barely on the healthier side of what has been a debilitating crisis of faith...My evangelical-spirit-filled-purpose-driven-bubble was blown to freaking bits...leaving virtually nothing in tact...except for maybe a very teeny-tiny-barely-breathing desire to follow Jesus and also to be in relationship with and inspired by a community of strong faithful women. Sometimes even now, I almost believe I can feel a thready pulse on a few of my old dreams of purpose...but finding opportunities or outlets to experience this beyond the traditional institutional church is damn near impossible for me, not only logistically here in Phoenix...but also because of my cynical/heretical condition...I don't believe much anymore.. Nothing about those ‘other' on-going women’s conferences feels authentic or enticing to me in this place...and until recently, I’ve never come across any good alternatives.
A few months ago, I was invited to attend an obscure event for women interested Leadership...'Christian Leadership'...happening in the Portland area in March...I was immediately intrigued and repelled by the idea at the same time. All my fear of encountering anything remotely similar to my former 'church-y' conference experiences (especially involving THE "L"-WORD) was panic inducing...and *almost* won out over my curiosity and desire to reestablish new practice and tradition in my life. Fortunately, a couple of my lovely trusted women friends and virtual acquaintances assured me that if I was brave enough to go...I would appreciate, grow and even ENJOY my time there in the company of powerful yet unconventional women who are leading in the Way of Jesus...I conceded and secured my registration.
The event was in Portland making it an instant hit for a lifelong desert dweller like me. I could go on and on about the venue...the nearly 100 year old, 73 acre rambling property bursting with all varieties of flowering trees, shrubs and quaint gardens, Once a poor-farm during the depression...the main structure now flaunts beautiful yet gaudy 'Monte Python-esque' art work on walls, niches and every guest room door...mostly portraits of the previous residents and scenic Oregon country side. So creative and odd...but absolutely stunning; perfect imagery for this unique Convergence of women.
Unlike so many of my previous experiences with events specifically marketed towards ‘women’...I couldn’t help but notice there was NO fluff...or froof...or wedding-y-princess-y, dainty tea party-ish...or diva themed decorations
...anywhere...PRAISEGOD!
The conference room itself was brilliant without much fuss. Art-deco in design and boasting the most glorious mural that spanned an entire wall, floor to ceiling...depicting the simple unhindered life on the 'poor-farm' during the depression...The dozen or so tables were adorned with unassuming artifacts and antiques stuffed to over-flowing with all varieties of live plants...An old boot with a fern inside...a miniature herb garden inside an old dresser drawer; it was clever...but beyond that...it communicated to me an absolute truth that life is incorrigible and beauty and growth can come from or be contained in the most ‘unexpected’ things and places (and people)...a powerful theme for the weekend!
The most obvious and refreshing difference between Convergence and countless other women's LEADERSHIP events I’ve attended personally...was the women themselves. Diverse...unassuming...free...natural...make-up was optional for sure...What Liberty! Many women nonchalantly exposed their elaborate, colorful artistic tattoo's that told stories of transformation...there were some with body piercings...gauged ears...dreads...bandanas...and creatively-layered-recycled- clothing...A couple of artsy women furiously knitted socks, scarves and the like practically non-stop throughout the entire weekend. Some pretty pedestrian ladies were representing too. There were the more blendy P.T.O mom-types (like me) and of course the beautiful sage grammas exuding their wisdom, all equally valuable pieces of the mosaic...I felt completely comfortable and welcome..like I really belonged.
I don't want to go off on a tangent about appearances but...I have to qualify why this is significant to me...Having spent over 25 years in a homogeneous upper-end Christian fellowship...I can say beyond-a-shadow-of-doubt that 97% of the women who attended Convergence would have NEVER...EVER...in a million years have been chosen for positions of leadership...or given a 'visible' platform of any kind in past churches I’ve been affiliated with...based almost exclusively on their 'appearance'...and what that might infer about their character. It was immediately clear that the convergence women obviously didn't get the memo about tatts, piercings...and business casual...(or liberal use of the 'swears')as possibly being deterrents for leadership.(o: I know that a few...like me...were once told
..."it's not that you aren't capable...it's just you don't have the 'character"...read: you don't dress and talk like we need you to...you're a little too real and rough around the edges...YOU are a Leadership liability...too risky.
I love that they LEAD ANYWAY...with or without approval or permission!
Lastly I was struck and challenged by the theme explored at Convergence 2010..."Women Leading in the Way of Jesus". Leadership is an extremely uncomfortable topic for me lately...so much so that I nearly chose not to attend the conference and once there and seriously debated if I could even participate in one specific break-out group where the topic was exclusively related to personal experience with leadership. (This may be a WHOLE blog post in itself) It was obvious from the first 5 minutes of the conference, that Convergence would be very different in it's approach to leadership and the whole conference mentality...In fact, unlike the pop-culture model I am used to...the leadership at Convergence was understated, most notably...there were NO key-note speakers or celebrity personalities that the whole gig hinged on! Instead...several very humble and diverse wise women directed our discussions...handing it over to the participants almost exclusively...allowing us to interact with each other...to discover, minister to and support our sisters in and through our unique journey's of faith...it left so much 'room' for the spirit of God to be present and to speak...I LEARNED SO MUCH and I am still processing.
There is so much more I could expound on here about my experience at Convergence...I could ramble on for at least 7 more paragraphs...I want to talk about the ladies I met...their stories of physical, emotional and spiritual healing and survival...about their effervescent spirits...about their incredible personal accomplishments and ministries many 'obscure' by old standards...I want to expound on their sobriety...their innate strength and the power they possess and willingly give away...I want to talk more about their empathy and ability to love. This after all...is what qualifies them to be "Women Leading in The Way of Jesus!"
More to come...
